Talk about your basic ćsilly seasonä · Migod, Dragdom is getting worse than good olā NASH-CAR! According to the word on the street, poor olā NHRA is in such bad shape that they wouldnāt know a good idea if hit Īem in the ass (50-year old institutions tend to get that way without youthful and knowledgeable replenishment), and IHRA has decided on a letās-try-everything-and-see-what-works, shotgun approach as our sport strains to keep its head above water in the final gasps of the year, decade, century · noooo! I am not going to write the ćmä word ever again! What with ćhand grenadeä motors becoming a blood-letting, godawful reality rather than just a nickname describing the power between the pipes, and some of the smartest fans in racing becoming disenchanted with our steroidal power orgies that are leaving them with more time on their hands than Charlie Manson, it seems weāve got a problem, Houston · and Chicago · and Topeka · and ·

It also seems everybody has an opinion about our problems and possible solutions. If youāve been to any of the proliferating websites dedicated to auto racing lately, you know what I mean. And it isnāt just the web addresses devoted most heavily to drag racing that are involved. Al Kirschenbaum, good friend and author of a new book that is the most complete source ever compiled on 5.0, 1979-93 Ford Mustangs (look him up at amazon.com), called my attention to two articles by Jon Asher and one by our own Dave Densmore that have graced the space at Racer Magazineās site in the last 30 days. In addition, our chief, Jeff Burk, has ventured several opinions to me over the past month, my wife comes home with the latest from her office at IHRA every day, and the guy who picks up our trash swears that he now knows the really real, absolute truth about Supermanās identity. Itās Eddie Hill! And thereās no way in the world to deny his logic after we all saw Hill break the no-nukes treaty on the nightly news a few weeks back and survive it. And Doug Herbert may have topped that with an explosion that should have been held underground, if anywhere.

Okay, I agree, changes are probably more necessary right now than at any time in drag racingās recent history, and some hard decisions have to be made: Does drag racing have a chance at realizing eliminations as continuing, live-TV events? If so, some additional time restraints regarding top fuel and funny car eliminations must be initiated. If it is decided once and for all that TV and live drag racing donāt mix well, the powers that be must still come up with a plan to present a same-day format that will keep our racers from being relegated to time spots opposite infomercials, and one that better caters to the spectator. Get it straight: The fans pay most of the bills in our sport at the national level ö not TV as in stick-and-balldom ö so they must get first consideration. Time-wise, whatās a reasonable day at the races? Well, football, hockey, basketball and baseball all seem to get things pretty much wrapped up inside four hours (not counting those 1,422-inning baseball affairs that display our ćnational pastimeä [sez who?] over a longer period than it takes to run the entire trials and races of the Americaās Cup). And drag racing ticket buyers stand for this! They must be the most forgiving fans in the history of observer sports.

But even they are beginning to realize there is life on the other side of the 1320, and there are indications in the most observable spots: those displays of gleaming galvanized steel stands that make any promoter worth his warm-up jacket grab the left side of his chest and begin massaging.

Unlike some, however, I donāt feel any real panic at this particular moment. If youāre reading this, Y2K did not beat Nostradamas to the punch, and the current problems of drag racing seem to be getting sufficient attention. And despite all the doom-and-gloom naysayers, some good minds are cogitating out there and weāll all survive. Thatās the way drag racers have always done it. Besides, Iāve been here for damn near 50 years, and Iām way too old to grow up and find something else to do.

So while the good minds bend themselves to mending our fences, and itās still the silly season, and comic relief hasnāt been written out of the rule book yet, hereās my own three-cents worth. (Hey! Itās a new year, etc., etc., and Iām advised two cents just wonāt cut it anymore!)

1) Time allowance between rounds:

Under 20 minutes. I can hear the whiners now! But face facts: thatās 60 times longer than a NASCAR crew takes to service a vehicle! And, again like NASCAR, letās do it out in the open at trackside so the fans can see who the real ćkillerä crews are! Give and deduct points from the driverās championship fund according to how far over or under the daily average for all pit stops his crew is. Extra points for breaking the national record. And double bonus points if the pan diver finds a pearl, real or cultured. At the end of the season, every member of the winning crew gets a Sports Services gift certificate for $100,000. Even at their prices, that should still be good for at least a T-shirt and matching cap.

2) Oil downs

Wanna stop this, and all the bitchinā going on about the proposed new fines? Simple. Require the driver and crew chief to clean up their own messes. (Co-chiefs [Apache for Fedderly/Austin] permitted if they were so billed during the entire previous racing season). Now, I know this is going to delay full implementation of measures designed to shorten up total competition track hours during the first year, but I can almost guarantee that it will work once each top fuel and top flop pilot and team has had a chance to enjoy some real hard labor. Oh, just in case of a second incident, require toothbrushes-only for the job. Canāt you just hear wrenches clanginā now as theyāre clamped down on bolts loosened to reset timing on the mag (no ćsä!), and torqued after stickinā some reasonable gears in the rear? Music to my ears!

3) Fan endurance:

Ask Garlits. Pat, not Don. Olā Swampy is so intense as a competitor that someone once asked him after heād won a race what he thought of the crowd. Astonished, Swampy turned, did a 360 and gasped, ćYou mean people pay to come to watch this stuff?? Go on ·ä Wife Pat, on the other hand, sat and watched and waited at so many races when Don was an active driver that sheās probably the worldās top expert on drag racing bottoms. And get an opinion from Rosalee Noble, Joan Gwynn and all the other good ladies from DRAW who spend more unpaid (wo)man hours in the heat ö and cold ö at these things than you want to know about. Ask them what they think is a reasonable length of time for a family to spend at a track. Donāt expect them to complain in their own stead, however; theyāre not the type. (You want proof of angels on earth? Go find the DRAW canopy at your next race.)

Okay, I think that handles the immediate problems for the moment, but I canāt stop now, Bucko! While Iām at it, Iād like to see a few other changes in the 21st century. All those interviews at the end of the track after a run? Puerile amateur rubbish! I mean, after all this time, if the winners have to ćaw-shucksä and brown nose after every win, youād expect something more polished, right? And if I pose the problem, Iāve got to have a solution or Iām disqualified, also right?? Got it! And again I defer to the guys who are doinā it best right now, that cosmopolitan crowd over at NASCAR: Require all drivers to attend Buddy Bakerās ćSnort Īnā Drawl School of the A-merkin Langwich,ä where they will have to pass a final exam, part of which requires reciting the following in over 30 seconds:

The over-30-second rule ö and, no, you cannot say, ćfill in the name of the appropriate crew chiefä to fulfill the requirement ö goes for all drivers, even the motor-mouths from Jersey. John Force and Kenny Bernstein are the only exceptions, Force because heās already so far over 30 seconds, he has to start his win speech while heās still in the staging lanes, and Bernstein because he pretty much invented the entire ritual. After theyāve got that down (jāever notice that even the NASCAR guys from Vermont talk like that?), our guys are allowed only 10 seconds max to venerate their various sponsors. If any name is recognizable, he or she has to start all over again. Same penalty for muttering, ćWell, ahāll tell you whut ·ä or , äYa know ·ä

Next, how about a rabbi to lead off the Finalsā Day starting line ceremonies? And occasional invocations by Hindu and Taoist and Wicca and Druid and Gnostic and Zoroastic leaders. Hey, itās 2000! Letās get a little variety going if weāre gonna survive the next 50 years! And while weāre here, letās have Martin ö Chris, not Ree-kee ö sing his version of the Star Spangled Banner. I understand itās done karaoke style with the accompaniment of the Jimmy Hendrix original. And ·

· Huh? What? Oh excuse me just a sec · Burk just yelled that the new fueler rulesā introduction is a serious matter and that I should give a real opinion about them · Īkay, how about combining NHRAās 75-minute between-rounds proposal and some of IHRAās mechanical restrictions? Let Mike Baker from ćIä and Danny Gracia from ćNä meet under the arch in St. Louis, thrash it out over a beer and burger, then let the race teams know their solutions. The drivers and crew will bitch no matter what, but, hey, thatās what they do! But theyāll also buckle down, adapt to the changes and go about trying to again put on the best show in racing, because thatās also what they do.

I hope all of you have the very best year of your life over the next 366 days!

Thanks for hangin’!

John Raffa is currently freelancing in Huron, Ohio,
and invites comments at: DCDragons@aol.com

 

photo by Karen Raffa

 

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