For example, I think open sex acts may be fun, but in poor taste, especially if the Spongebob or Barney crowd is in the seats. "Hummer" means different things to different people. Watch your step.

I deplore fighters. Not boxers. My favorite sport just may be the obscenely, yet wonderfully corrupt boxing sport, but drunks who brawl in the seats are pitiful. A.) Most sloppy drunks are out-of-shape, lousy fighters, that have a wide-open lack of style and balance that could translate into a visit to the emergency room. B.) Fights piss off women and upset the kids. C.) They have the potential to kill interest in the sport. (That may not have been true in the 1950's, 1960's, and '70s, but today's people spook easier.) D.) No one likes a bullying

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loud mouth. I can't speak for the gals, but its been proven scientifically that guys who enjoy fighting in the seats are sexually confused and completely lacking in understanding of what constitutes masculinity. Most of them wind up with sex changes and piled into mini-skirts. E.) As in any activity, I respect professionals even if I don't always behave in that fashion. Fighting is an open display of a truly amateur drunk.

Okay, you've bored us with that. Describe what and where you'd feel good at the drags? I like smaller dragstrips than bigger ones. The difference between the two is the same as shopping at a corporate slave shop like Wal-Mart or a clean, well-kept mom-n-pop market that knows and cares about its customers. To me, Cordova Raceway Park with its IHRA race and the World Series is ideal. I like a track where if there's some down time, I can look around and space on the scenery. Being a city kid, I find country tracks are a hoot.

As far as crowd, I don't know. I guess I like a knowledgeable crowd, one that really responds when a racer does something special. And I don't mean like when an expected hitter like Force or Bazemore runs a 4.70 or something. That's cool, but geez, does it compare to a situation like when a racer like Terry Haddock or Louis Sweet somehow runs a 4.80 at 300-mph?

I like crowds that make bets. Not everyone's cup of a tea, but I like gambling and usually the players are sharp enough not to fall over into slop like fighting.

I like to see what people are wearing. What looks cool? Not some doofus rag like a "No Fear" shirt, but a hat, a shirt, something that shows style.

I like to be around people who REALLY are having a good time. I get the same jiggle if I were to throw a party at my house and everyone is dancing or getting laid (the latter in private of course.)

I like it on the extremely rare times they forget to play the National Anthem. This is just me, but do we have to re-affirm our patriotism and support for unilateral invasions and corporate rip-offs before every race? All right, you know I'm just kidding. (Like hell.)

Anyhow, "Bleacher Creatures" hits the wall. Call 911. Have a good holiday season.