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4/1/04

A Field Guide to the March Meet Drag Fan

lthough the March Meet may be known for being the year's biggest gathering of Nostalgia cars, what you may not know is that it is also the biggest gathering of some of Mother Nature's strangest and most unusual creatures. You think I'm kidding? Look at the people who you see walking around Famoso Raceway. I can guarantee you will not see anything like them anywhere else. Not at the Mall of the Americas, not at Disneyland, and certainly not at any other drag race. Believe me, the March Meet is a Nitro-fueled Galapagos Island with bizarre and overly-trusting mutations of the semi-familiar species that we know and love.

Really, the only thing that surpasses the racing excitement at the Patch is the thrill-a-minute people watching. Forget about betting on who's going to win Nostalgia Eliminator 27, it's far more entertaining to wager your friends that you'll be the first to spot a chickie teetering on 6" high stilettos as she pretends to back up a car or see how many times you can get a nouveau rockabilly guy to say "cat" in one conversation.

As your Marlon Perkins, let me be your soft-spoken narrator as we watch my assistant Jim wrestle the fauna of Famoso. I've braved the wilds of the Patch and assembled a handy printable guide to the various species in their natural habitat:

The Red-Bellied Beersucker (Drunkoff Hisassus) - One of the most plentiful creatures you will find at the March Meet is the Red-Bellied Beersucker. This species is easily identified by the distinctive red or blue plastic cup held in its hand and the unusual circuitous gait taken when wandering the pits. Although the majority of them can be seen congregating near the beer stands, the more resourceful alphas of this species have found watering-holes closer to the race cars where they can secure their favored diet merely by using their unique calls of "I'm a friend of your friend, (fill in name of friend here)" followed by "So, where's the cooler, dude?"

Another inimitable trait of this breed is its display. Early in the morning, the Red-Bellied Beersucker will remove its T-shirt to proudly puff out its pale yet prominent abdomen. Throughout the day, this abdomen will change in coloration from pale white to pink and finally, by sundown, a deep crimson.

A rare sub-mutation of this species is the Lesser Drag Journalist (Credentiali Moochus) who displays the same gait and diet proclivities but not the scarlet abdomen. With a very small home range, these can rarely survive in a habitat which extends farther than a few yards from a gas engine-powered margarita blender.

The Common Bimbo (Trackea Trollopus) - Identified by scanty, yet gaily-colored plumage, the Common Bimbo can be found making mating displays near the pits of the Nostalgia Top Fuel cars.

Although the Common Bimbo can sometimes be seen stalking in groups of two or three, natural selection has determined that the better hunters lure prey more effectively while solitary.

A sub-species, the Common Rockabilly Bimbo (Wannabe Bettiipageus), congregates solely near Rat Rods and can be identified by long black hair with short bangs and anti-authoritarian tattoos exactly like all the other anti-authoritarian tattoos displayed by members of this sub-species.

The Black-Headed Greaser (Rockabillius Falsis) - Closely related to the Common Rockabilly Bimbo is the Black-Headed Greaser. This breed can also be found near the Rat Rods and has formed intense social bonds by assuming species-specific markings - white t-shirts with rolled sleeves, Levis with rolled cuffs and slick dyed black hair. These identical markers signify that the member of this species is an "individual" and a "rebel" and is clearly "not like anyone else."

The Short-Legged Tire-Biter (Annoyingus Brattius) - Although tiny in size, exceptionally swift and difficult to capture, these creatures are quite common at the dragstrip. They can be found gathering in packs under the grandstands and around booths containing 1/64 scale cars, which they find irresistible. Objects such as pans of dirty motor oil, carefully arranged trays of nuts and bolts and anything expensive and/or easily broken can lure the smaller of the species.

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Not surprisingly, their favored diet consists of Sno-cones, French fries and funnel cakes. However, what is unusual is the methods utilized by them to secure these foodstuffs. Through the use of a special call, either a repetitive whine or a piercing high-pitched wail, they attract larger species into obtaining these favored foods for them. A similar method is also used by the Common Bimbo, however a softer version of this whine is used and results in larger and more expensive delicacies to be brought forth.

The Greater Drag Fan (Knowit Allitus) - This species is scarce in number and is often confused with the Common Drag Fan by less experienced people watchers. It is visually difficult to tell the difference between them, however, the voices of the two species are quite different and easily distinguished. The easiest way to identify the Greater Drag Fan is to lie in wait near a Cacklefest car, its favored habitat, and listen for their distinct and complex vocalizations, which are often delivered in a boisterous and repetitious manner. If you hear one of his or her three primary calls, "Back when I was driving a Top Fuel car, when Top Fuel cars were real Top Fuel cars," "When I was at the last drag race at Lions," and "If I was in charge of the VRA, only cars with three-point roll cages would be allowed to run," you'll know for certain you've spotted one of these unusual creatures.

The Greater Drag Fan is highly sociable but tends to congregate in packs with its own species where it can hear its calls echoed back. When an occasional stray is seen walking through the Top Fuel pits, it can often be heard to be making grumbling and harrumphing sounds.

So study up now, junior anthropologists, and soon you'll be ready to grab a pair of binoculars, a pith helmet and a beige canvas vest with lots of silly mesh pockets before you head for the March Meet. And whatever you do, if you see a Lesser Drag Journalist further than arm's reach from a margarita under no circumstances should you approach it. We bite.