Ahhh ... To be an
NHRA Nymphette

7/9/04

Jeff Burk Photo

ost of you who read this column are, I am hoping, at least a little Internet savvy. You know how to bid $54.98 on eBay for a 1/64 scale replica of the Beatnik Bandit … you know, the one that you could pick up at Kmart for $2.98. You’re familiar enough with e-mail to know how to open attachments … and you know how to phone the repair guy to de-virus your computer after you’ve opened those attachments. You even know that “LOL” stands for “laughing out loud.” It does stand for “laughing out loud,” right?

In fact, most of you have probably made it over to one of the various drag racing-themed message boards. I check out the boards too on a pretty regular basis. Some I just lurk on, some I post on, and some I dominate to the point that I am truly beginning to believe that I’m the Empress of All I Survey, the Universe … and Beyond.

If you frequent these boards, you know that on most you can choose an identity to project - a “screen name,” some sort of little photo, called an avatar, and probably a personalized signature line. On the drag boards the avatars mostly consist of pics of your favorite car or some kind of animation of a nasty blower explosion. The signature lines usually run like “If nitro’s too fast, you’re too old” or “If this Funny Car’s rockin’, don’t come knockin’” always kooky, nutty, and quippy.

However, on one board I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon. There are dozens, and I mean literally dozens - plural, of women who have devoted their entire screen identity to Funny Car driver, Ron Capps. They have screen names like “I_Love_Skoal_Green.” They have avatars of them posing with Capps. They have things like “Go Number 28!” and “Capps Crusaders” as their signature. Now, normally I’d say, “Oh, isn’t that cute. His mom and his sisters are sooooo supportive,” but unless he belongs to one of those families with 36 children and he was the only boy, that won’t explain it. No other driver on the board has one-tenth the bevy of women fawning over him in cyberspace that Ron Capps does.

So, riddle me this, Nitroman ... What is this strange Svengali-like hold that Ron Capps has over these women? I mean, I’m a woman and I like men but I look at Capps and go, “Well, he’s okay, but he’s no Brad Pitt, that’s for sure.” I mean, there are literally at least ten or twelve drivers in front of him on the official “Pammy’s List of Hot Drivers.” But do you see any other drivers with these rabid fan club members? No. Is Capps a really, really, really good driver who always wins? Um … well, no. Perhaps he’s a cult leader of some sort? Well, maybe.

I just think it’s really strange that Capps has these women absolutely fanatical about him and all the other drivers have fan clubs made up of big, fat white guys. It’s not really fair. Not that I have anything against big, fat white guys. Some of my best friends are big, fat white guys, and I’ll be the first to say that big, fat white guys’ money is just as good as anyone else’s. But when it comes down to it, I think most guys would rather have a battalion of good-looking women in their fan clubs than guys-big, fat, white or otherwise.

So, in the interest of fairness to all the hard-working drivers out there, I propose that the women who love drag racing start spreading the love around. It’s not right that Capps gets all the love while guys like foxy Larry Dixon have a bunch of guys going, “whoo.” If there can be a group called “Capps’ Crusaders” out in message board land, then there ought to be some other female fan clubs to support the other racers. In fact, ladies, I’ve made a few up for you; pick the guy you like the best, then put together a photoshopped avatar of you next to your fave rave and just add one of these spunky fan club names and cute, yet sassy, phrases to your signature line and you’re all set.

If you’re not picky about the age thing:

Bernstein’s Bimbos - “Father or son can have my seat anytime!”

For the kinda gal who can’t get enough of the kinda guy who loves to spend our tax dollars on racecars, how about:

Schumacher’s Sluts - “The only thing I love more than a man in uniform is a man out of uniform”

And not to exclude the guys who dress as gals:

Toliver’s Trannies - “For Jerry, I’ll put the drag in drag racing!”

For the gals who make passes at boys who wear glasses:

TJ’s Jezebels - “Sure, he looks like Bill Gates, but they don’t call him ‘Johnson’ for nothin’”

And a special one for Anna Nicole Smith:

Force’s Floozies - “Hey, he may be trailer trash, but he’s rich trailer trash, honey!”

So yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “Pammy, what’s your new fan club going to be? Dixon’s Chicks? Herbert’s Hussies? Worsham’s Wenches? Pulde’s Pit-Tunias?” Nah … I’m moving beyond all that driver hero-worship (after all, I’m married to one so it can’t be that glamorous). No, I’m moving on to the big time. I’m going to start the fan club that will actually get me somewhere with my career, the fan club that fits my lifestyle and stature within the drag racing community. The fan club that will really work with what I’ve got. The next time you check out the message boards, be sure to look for the girl who signs off “Compton’s Cuties - ‘The drunker you are, the better I look!’”