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Everything I Ever Really Needed
to Know, I Learned in Nostalgia Drag Racing
6/8/05
Jeff Burk Photo |
ost of what I really need to know about how to live, and what
to do, and how to be, I learned at a Goodguys race. Winning
was not always being the first one to reach the top end…but,
then again, it sure as heck wasn't being stuck in the bleachbox
either.
These are the things I learned:
Share everything.
When the guy or gal from the next pit over comes and asks
for a wrench, lend him your toolbox. Lend them your blower,
a set of heads, three belts, fifty feet of hose and a pair
of slicks. But, if they borrow that and then beat you in the
semis, you have every right to get drunk, go over there and
sucker punch them.
Play fair.
Having a seat cover filled with shot, a traction control system
and an onboard computer is not fair. Unless, of course, it
is your team that has the seat cover filled with shot, traction
control system and onboard computer and in that case, it's
just having a competitive team.
Don't hit people.
Especially officials. If anyone is looking.
Put things back
where you found them. If you borrow a set
of rods from the pit next door and bend them like pretzels,
place them back in their trailer where you found them when
no one is looking.
Clean up your own
mess. Or have your wife do it.
Don't take things
that aren't yours. Except for beer. Taking
beer from someone else's pit is always preferable to depleting
your own cooler.
Say you're sorry
when you hurt somebody. You can throw your
helmet, say you're going to beat the living bejeezus out of
someone, call them a dirty, rotten s.o.b., kick dirt at them,
throw cans at them, tell them they can't drive a poker up
a snowman's behind, spit on their car, complain to the officials
about them and as long as you say you're sorry, it's all okay.
And if you do it on the internet, you can leave that last
bit out.
Wash your hands
before you eat. Actually, I learned this not
because I actually have seen anyone do this at the drag strip,
but because I've watched guys covered in clutch dust, dirty
oil and general racetrack schmutz dip chips (and their fingers
along with them) in salsa. And then complain that the salsa
tasted kinda funny. Well…duh!
Flush.
But only the toilets that do not say "Andy Gump"
on the outside.
Warm cookies and
cold milk are good for you. Warm beer and
cold chili dogs, however, are not.
Yep, everything you need to know is in there
somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation,
ecology and politics and sane living. Well, actually, none
of those are in there, but it's drag racing, fer chrissake,
not church.
Nevertheless, think of what a better world it
would be if we all - the whole world - had a track in every
town and a race every weekend. What if nations held drag races
instead of wars…hmmm? The world would be a whole lot
better place. 
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