Dying to buy a new car or truck?

Words and Photos by Cliff Gromer
3/8/05

Either cars (and trucks) are becoming more dangerous with each successive model year, or drivers are becoming more stupid. I make this rather startling deduction by comparing the owner’s manual of my 1937 Chevrolet truck with that of my 2001 Dodge Ram pickup.

1937: Your truck won’t kill you.

The 1937 manual runs 63 pages, and explains the functions of various controls such as the steering wheel, brakes, and gearshift lever, and covers items such as the cooling system, ammeter, distributor, carburetor, U-joints and a bunch of other stuff. There’s even a section on electrical theory. It’s a pretty user-friendly publication, with no mention of the nasty things that can happen if you do something stupid. Like sticking your fingers into the moving fan. Or laying down in the road in front of the truck while it’s rolling forward because the parking brake was not set. Or lowering the hood while your head is still underneath it. Or testing a spark plug with your tongue.

The manual does not tell you how you can die, or end up in the hospital 16 ways from Sunday because of things you should not do, or fail to do. Basically, the book imparts a feeling of confidence to the reader that “you can do it. Just get in and driiiivve.”

The 2001 manual, on the other hand, runs some 313 pages (not including several pages that allow you to enter your own notes and last will and testament) and, while admittedly there are more bells and whistles to explain than on the rather stark ’37, the book is also chock full of warnings and cautions. You get the feeling that, if you’re not extremely careful, the truck is apt to injure, maim or kill you when you least expect it, sort of like transporting a box of live cobras with a broken lid. Some examples:

2001: Your truck may kill you.

P. 52 Vehicles in the right-side convex rear view mirror appear smaller and farther away than they really are, and could cause a crash. (The ’37 has no right-side mirror which eliminates this hazard).

P. 118 Disconnect the engine block heater cord before driving or you could be electrocuted. (The manual neglects to say that you could also pull your house down).

P. 145 If you don’t remove the gas cap slowly, fuel spray from the filler neck could cause personal injury. (Just remove your eyeball and rinse under running water, then reinstall.)

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P. 172 You can be injured or killed if you try and change a wheel too close to moving traffic. (I guess in 1937 this warning wasn’t necessary because there wasn’t much in the way of moving traffic.)

P. 191 You can be badly injured working on or around a motor vehicle.

P. 203 Rear brake lining material contains asbestos fibers which, if inhaled, can cause cancer and lung disease. (Hold your breath).

…and on and on.