As a rule, banquets and awards ceremonies are about as much fun as multiple root canals. I have to say, though, that this year's NHRA Winston Series Awards Ceremonies at the Cerritos Center for the Performing Arts in Southern California set a new standard for suffering. In hindsight, given the choice, I probably would have taken the root canals.

With the dental work, at least you have drugs to ease the pain. Those attending this year's NHRA function had to go cold turkey for more than three hours. Nitrous oxide would have been appropriate — and welcome.

Don't get me wrong, the Cerritos Center is a very classy venue, one which allows drag racers to show off a sophisticated side of themselves that just doesn't come across in those in-your-face finish line and winners' circle interviews.

It's a penguin and peacock show. Unfortunately, after the see-and-be-seen aspect, there was little else, other than NHRA founder Wally Parks' remarks and some quips from honorees like Winston Rookie-of-the-Year Scotty Cannon, AAA of Southern California Road to the Future designate Antron Brown and, yes, John Force, to recommend the event.

I know the goal of those charged with planning the finale to the NHRA season was to emulate, to whatever extent possible, the Academy Awards atmosphere that has transformed NASCAR's year-end banquet into the social highlight of American motor racing. But this time, particularly, there seemed to be a problem with the execution. There was an obvious lack of continuity in the program. There were occasions when no one was on stage, occasions when introductions went unheeded for what seemed like minutes, occasions when those at the podium seemed to have no more clue as to what was going on than did those in the audience.

Another obvious problem was the absence of some racers who deserved to be honored and recognized for their accomplishments. Unfortunately, some apparently could not justify staying over an extra TWO DAYS after the event. The Tuesday format, which has been in place since the awards production was moved to the Cerritos Center, punishes those racers who have day jobs. And that's not right.

And what about the entertainment? Nothing against The Beach Boys Family and Friends. It's just that if you're trying to dress us up and turn us into a straight-line version of NASCAR, seems like you would book a more contemporary act. Bicycle shorts, sandals and T-shirts were more appropriate for "Little Duece Coupe" than were tuxedos and designer dresses.

Personally, I enjoyed the music. But face it, I'm old. Since we're supposed to be focusing on youth, maybe something else would have been in order.

Finally, is it just me or did Dallas Gardner accomplish a lot more in his tenure as NHRA President than I recall? Man, it was like Dallas Gardner Testimonial Night at Cerritos.

On Gardner's watch, it was pointed out that the NHRA tripled the number of events which comprise the Winston Series. Of course, during the same timeframe, the NHRA series fell behind NASCAR's Busch Grand National Series, NASCAR's Sears Craftsman Truck Series and the Indy Racing League in both prestige and media coverage.  During his reign, it was noted that NHRA improved the quality of most of its facilities. What wasn't noted was that the High Sheriffs were compelled to insist on facility upgrades only after Billy Meyer showed the way with his independent construction of the Texas Motorplex in 1986.

Bottom line is that now that he has been booted upstairs, oversights and other mistakes evidently have been erased from the ledger. No accountability required. That being the case, let me add my congratulations and thanks for a job extremely well done. Tom Compton has some very big shoes to fill.

Unfortunately, the whole convoluted Cerritos ceremony was shown on cable television. For once, though, lack of live TV probably was a good thing. It took us awhile, but we finally proved that there's at least one thing more boring on the tube than watching the Safety Safari clean up an oil down.

Next year, I favor taking the awards show back to a proper venue, scheduling it on a proper day and serving a proper meal — with hard rolls.

This year, after the party moved across the street to the Sheraton, I strolled around the room with a drink in one hand and a plate of hors d'oeuvres in the other just looking for a place to sit and munch. Finding no chairs anywhere, I finally just walked out, handed drink and plate to the bellman and drove myself over to the nearest In-'N-Out for a double-double.

Now that's a banquet fit for a champion.

banquet photos Copyright 1999-2001, Auto Imagery Inc.

photo by Jeff Burk