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Some of you might recall my mindless pratings in the pages of National DRAGSTER between the years of 1975 and 1998. This is written to inform those that haven’t totally written me off as a beer-addled slacker that I’m back in the saddle, a new saddle again. The Martin Chronicles will be this seasoned scribe’s bi-weekly observations on all things drag racing and other sundry topics. (I hope I said that right). I decided that in my first effort that I would introduce myself to the reader. The reason? If you spend 20-plus years playing the house organ for some band (NHRA), your identity can sometimes get lost. I think at times at good old ND, my personality, such as it is, leaked out, but not enough to do a police artist’s composite sketch. Rather than wear you out with a "I was born in 1947 to parents who headed a marauding gang of bankrobbers," type of narrative, I thought I’d let you form your own composite of the Chronicler. Below are 25 statements or queries that came right off the top of my dying scalp. Twenty-five pronouncements that will help you find out where Waldo is, what kind of guy you are reading, what’s the face like behind this 12-point print. As you plod through this word search, let me give you three revelatory clues: 1.) Boredom makes me vomit; 2.) There is nothing at all wrong with controversy; 3.) I love kittens and puppies. And here we are: 1) There are only two things (read: eliminators) that really give drag racing its identity and separate it from all other forms of sport—Top Fuel and Funny Car. Period. 2) While the Winston Showdown may have been a clusterflick, the fact that Funny Car boss John Force won over the fuelers was not lost on anyone. 3) You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to the do the 100-meter backstroke, you’ve really accomplished something. Get the idea of what’s going on here. Bear with us, it gets worse. 4) Shirley Muldowney, love her or hate her, was the first woman in history to dominate men in a major-league sport. For this, she will go down as the sport’s most significant contribution to the world stage. 5) Any radio station with the word "rock" in its format description will always, at some point, say that it’s the only station that "really rocks." And 99 times out of 100, it’ll be wrong. 6) Most relationships are based primarily on looks and sex appeal and that’s why most of them take it in the throat. 7) What Jerry Lewis said about sex is true for bracket racing: "It’s okay to watch, but a helluva lot more fun to do." 8) If an extraterrestrial studied our 50 years of television, it would conclude that cops are the only people who have lives worth recording. 9) Mile per hour means more to Joe Average (newcoming fans) than elapsed time, so how do we capitalize on that AT(!) the races. Listening to the announcers you’d never believe that. 10) In any "democracy," there is something fundamentally immoral about paying some person millions of dollars to explain and defend your rights. 11) Bob Saget, Pauly Shore, and Pat Sajak are not funny, but Jackie Gleason, "Curly" Howard, and Jonathan Winters are. 12) Westerns would not have had the success they did if John Wayne and Roy Rogers had worn glasses (on screen). But if they were dark glasses? Hmmm ... might’ve been a license to print money. 13) Whether making a point or a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich, people who making their living in drag racing should never lose sight of the fact that they are members of an extremely lucky and privileged minority. Most people hate their jobs. 14) If cussing a blue streak was punishable by prison time, the suicide rate would skyrocket. 15) Think you’re fair-minded? Try this. If it’s okay to hold a "Read John 3:16" sign at a pro football game, then what would be wrong or undemocratic with sitting next to that guy with a sign that said "Don’t read John 3:16." 16) Announcer Dave McClelland is one of the nicest guys in the world, not to mention one of its better mikesters, but someone needs to cork his writer in a bottle and throw him out with the Japanese current. "We know you have other places to spend your entertainment dollar," he says before the races. No you don’t! If you like horsepower, noise, power, and speed then a pro drag race is exactly where you should be. 17) There are two political parties in the United States: Republican and Republican Lite. 18) For better or for worse, in a large market area, more people will log on to a site for XXX Adult Video Guides than WWW/ShellOil.Com. 19) A $100 says bill that very few people will be able to name more than one member of the victorious U.S. women’s soccer team a year from now. Down on women’s sports? Hell, no. But I am on big-time media manipulation. 20) What’s wrong with the people of North Fork, New Mexico? Lucas McCain, known as "the Rifleman" to his consorts, gunned down nearly 100 men in three years while shacked up with his 11-year-old son in an old wooden lean-to on the outskirts of town. Talk about a floorpunch to the gut of Family Values! 21) Playing the Game Corporate doesn’t mean being humorless. Naturally, there are mirthless slugs in the SurePal Forest, but a lot of big wallets like watching the crack addicts dive for coins in the mall fountain just like the rest of us. 23) Let’s all get down on our hands and knees and look for the I.Q. of the guy who came up with the Sports Magic half-time annoyance. Motorcycle jumps over porno starlets? That’s closer. 24) Will John Force win Funny Car in 1999? Can the Florida State Seminoles footballers spot the DeVry Institute a touchdown and still choke a confession out of them? 25) Bill Clinton is the quintessential, opportunistic, low-life, political bottomfeeder. Of course, name one of the previous 41 that wasn’t. Ah, that one got through, didn’t it? Okay, throw in the towel. Stop the fight, ref! Enough’s enough. Got a rough sketch idea of what you’re dealing with here? Good. In the future, I hope to deliver the juice in this column in a way best described by the immortal Boris the Sprinkler. Allow me to give you a "positraction, vibro-action, high consumer satisfaction, eon fluxion, noise reduction, thermo, spermo, auto suction," view of le deporte’ du drag racing. That’s just the kind of guy I am.
photo by Jeff Burk |
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Copyright 1999-2001, Drag Racing Online and Racing Net Source |
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Howdy!