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16 CANDLES
Just one more month, and it's official, "We've all survived Y2K." Dead
headline? Not really, chums. Y2K means Year and then 2 as in thousand,
emphasis on year. January 1 wasn't the whole deal. But either way, the
world has survived albeit not in the way I would have liked. The Mideast
is blowing up, Africa's being consumed by AIDS, the top 1-percent of
the population make as much as the bottom 60-percent, the small farmer
is getting punched in the teeth, and we've got a pair of hand puppets
running for Presidential office, two guys who need a day of grooming
and coaching so they come across for an hour of "debate" as two guys
who didn't need a day of grooming and coaching for an hour of "debate."
Oi gevalt!
But how about drag racing? Well, the Burkmeister and staff do plan
on doing a year in review next month, in other words passing judgment
on all things straight line for 2000. Rating accomplishment, condemning
slop, bests ofs, worsts of, that sort of thing. Here, however, will
be a morsel with a slightly different flavor. You can tell from the
smoke coming outa my ears, that I've been cogitatin'.
Below I'm going to give 16 opinions, 16 candles as it were, based on
how the year has gone and my reaction to said movement. Stand by.
- John Force is still the nicest racer in the pits and was the savior
of the Funny Car class. However, he is now winning so much that he
may be unknowingly putting the stake and mallet to it.
- People don't like the fact that Don King handles boxers and also
promotes their fights. Much as I hate to say this, some misguided
soul could apply that to Winston.
- Parity is fine, but not when that parity realistically exists between
maybe a half dozen racers in each of the pro car classes. The majority
of the first-round races are as hard to figure as a football game
between Oklahoma and the Braille Institute.
- This is not original with me, but the fine for people who oil the
track sucks and should be abandoned next year. Yes, I know what it's
worth to the legislators, but no one deliberately blows up equipment
... least of all the poor.
- Look. IF the plan calls for the Alcohol classes to go, just bring
in the Pro Mods with an eliminator of their own. Will the fans like
it? Is a butterfly a picket fence? C'mon. Comp Eliminator? Get outta
here.
- Please God ... or Lucifer. Let NHRA and IHRA drag racing be the
first televised motor sport to don silent ribbons ballyhooing a sponsor
below the racer as he is interviewed. The hard sell is so transparent,
so obvious, and so embarrassing, to the racer not to mention the sponsor
themselves. Cut off the life support for this excessive brown-nosing.
- All technical edicts or pronouncements from the sanctioning bodies
are worthless unless they involve significant input from the manufacturers,
their designers and builders, and the racers. (I'm, of course, assuming
this is being done already. Right?)
- I understand Denver Bronco football fans are up in arms about their
beloved Mile-High Stadium's name being changed to something like AT&T
Profit Center.com, or something nearly that twisted. Impossible to
call a race the Mopar Mile-High Nationals, the Mopar Englishtown Spring-Bordering-On-Summernationals?
Let drag racing lead the way out of this blatant kiss-ass-ary. C'mon.
AutoZone Nationals? Now there's a name you can really warm up to.
- I can't help it! I can't help it! I can't help it! The 90-percent
rule has some plusses, but I very much miss the anticipation of seeing
a run whose likes I have never seen before in the nitro classes.
- Is this new guy NHRA's broadcast team allegedly hired, Kenny Sargent,
the same one with the Nitro Girls at the Winternationals? God, what's
next? The Sports Magic crew behind the mike? That hideous "Movies,
movies, movies" twerp on the cable channels? Hey, what can I do? It's
their franchise; I'm just counter help.
- If (AS RUMORED) the WWF and MGM Grand haul ass at year's end, I
will deem it a major administrative pratfall, like catching your tie
(and a BOWTIE at that!) in your fly on the part of the sanctioning
body.
- Force has two cars, the Worshams have two cars, Etchells has two
cars, Herbert has two cars, the Kalittas can have two cars when they
want 'em, Schumacher might have two Funny cars, and rumors have it
that Bernstein might go the double route. To the Bobby Baldwins, Dale
Creasys and Bob Gilbertsons of the world, I can only say "duck and
cover" in 2001.
- Prediction: World Series MVP Derek Jeter will be at the Mopar Parts
(really the Summernationals) as a Grand Marshall.
- Hooray for the above. 'Nuther prediction? World Welterweight Champion
and the best pound-for-pound fighter on the planet, Shane Mosley of
Pomona, Calif., will not be the Grand Marshall at the Winternationals
or Winston Finals. I'm still not convinced that NHRA understands that
the fans might actually enjoy a celebrity as a Grand Marshall as opposed
to a Vice-President of Sales & Marketing. Same goes for the Norwalkers.
- Sorry to spoil the party, but how come they can charge a $1.00 a
beer at the IHRA Amalie Summer Nationals in Cordova, Ill. and remain
breathing, but NHRA cannot go under $5.50-$6.00 at a place like Joliet?
Same state, but not state of mind?
- There's no way I'll believe that drag racing attendance went up
across the boards this year, for either NHRA or IHRA. I got a TV that
works and eyes that are okay. We still got nine holes to play, but
Geezus ... is there room for improvement with this game or what?
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