ITEM:
"World Wrestling Federation Announces the Formation of the XFL
- A New Professional Football League."
This stunner clawed up through the asphalt at Pomona Raceway in the
form of a press release on Thursday (Feb. 3) of the NHRA Winternationals.
Quite rightly, you might ask what has this got to do with the price
of fish in Italy, i.e. drag racing, but I feel it has one heckuva lot.
Witness the outcome of Funny Car, namely Jerry Toliver’s WWF/"Stone
Cold" Steve Austin flipping of the "flops" for his second
straight national event win. Given the fact that the car ran a 4.91
best and a best speed of 313-mph, and one can see that drag racing’s
all-everything John Force may have a real fight on his hand if he is
going to be the champion of the 2-0s.
In recent years, WWF signal caller Vince McMahon — love him or
leave him — has made fabulous strides in the world of sports entertainment,
and as you might as well call it, sports. Sports is entertainment, right?
It was reported by Tom "The Mongoose" McEwen on the mike at
Pomona that ABC Monday Night Football tried to strike a deal with McMahon
to get him off his Monday Night (Smackdown or Nitro) date, which strikes
me as an example of respect for budding power.
I, for one, am tickled at the prospect of McMahon-esque production
values sprayed about in a football format, and even have some ideas
what drag racing might look and sound like if the WWF’s shadow
loomed large. Hence the following possible scenario.
The WWF announced in its release that franchises would be set up in
L.A., Miami, New York, Orlando, San Francisco, and Washington DC with
two more sites to be named later. Let’s wild guess Chicago and
Dallas for our purposes and let’s take a stab at team names, you
know, mascots, if the McMahon writers were in typical over-the-top form.
For Los Angeles, how about the Cartoons (Disney, movie industry, etc.),
or the Tabloids or the Platinums. I opt for L.A. Gangbangers given the
city’s capitol status in this area. In New York, gotta be the Corleones
with Junkbonders a close second.
Chicago? The Sausages. Orlando? The Green Cards. Then there’d
be the Miami Cartel, the Dallas Book Depositories, and the DC Lewinskys
or DC Liars.
And I can just hear the interviews. You’ll never hear any friendly
opposition stuff like when an NFL coach is interviewed on a network
production: "Well, they’ve got a great running game and I
think if we can get them to put the ball up a little more and get them
out of their rhythm, we have a chance."
Instead, a rival XFL coach might say, "You wanna know why the
Sausages are 0-5? It’s because the team hasn’t shown up for
a game this year. They’re so fat that they can’t get out of
the dining room to the weight room; they’ve had 12 triple coronary
bypass surgeries since the season started. Because of these lardasses,
Toledo scale stock has risen to $250 share. Hell, that blubberball coach
of theirs was standing on a corner in a blue suit and yawned and an
old lady tried to stuff a letter in his mouth."
Imagine drowsy old Pat Summerall and lovable motormouth John Madden
broadcasting an XFL game…
MADDEN: Look at big ole No. 99, Lencho Castaneda, all 875
pounds of him. He’s a hitter and then some, loves that ole contact.
Last week, he literally tore Pat Richter’s head off his shoulders.
Of course, on the downside, that hit put Richter out for the season.
SUMMERALL: Well, right you are, John.
And highlights of the game?
How about the defensive line breaking out chairs on a 4th and 1? How
about a running back going out of bounds on the opposition side and
getting clothes-lined and then receiving a Randy Savage-type "big
elbow" as he lays on the ground? Or how about a "triple mask,"
where the d.b. hooks the wide receiver’s grille and then spins
him around three times, landing him in the team’s Gatorade supply?
In terms of a full four quarters, how about an "up the gut,"
smashmouth, passing outlawed, ground-only game to the finish? And to
enforce the no-passing edict the ball will weigh 12 pounds and the entire
field will be hemmed in with barbed wire and chain length fence. All
football protective equipment will be retained except for one thing
... head gear.
Okay, so much for football. What if...What IF...WHAT IF...the WWF ran
drag racing. You know, NHRA management decides to opt for houses in
Huntington Harbor and piddles to the colossus from Connecticut. After
all, our Winston pals have tough decisions to make at the end of this
year and given NASCAR’s success and the advent of Kenny Sargent
and the Ignition Girls at NHRA, it could be that NHRA and drag racing
might be dateless for the 2001 Senior Prom.
The final pair of qualifiers in Winternationals qualifying were Force
and Toliver and, unless the $6-a-pop beer and $8.75 chicken breast combos
had done massive cerebral damage, I distinctly heard a WWF Smackdown
guitar grindo intro, you know the stuff the grapplers play when the
stars head for the ring. In the case of Force and Toliver and given
their closeness in qualifying, I thought that it was, in three letters...apt.
A 2001 Funny Car final spiced with WWF rhetoric might have Force in
a gold lame’ fire suit and gold Oakley wraparounds with his hair
dyed peroxide blonde being interviewed alongside…say…Jim Epler
in the WWF/"Undertaker" with said Undertaker peering ominously
over the Oregonian’s shoulder.
FORCE: Whether it comes to the art of making love or making
mayhem, whether it comes to driving home a point or driving a winning
race car, I have no equals. I ruled the last decade and I’ll
rule this one, too, especially when I look at competition like yourself
Epler. You know I heard you sold computers before you so-called raced.
Well, when I’m done with you, you’ll be back at it again,
only at swap meets and freeway off ramps, got it?
EPLER: You’re the past looking at the future, John.
Damaged goods, second-hand merchandise. Goodwill thrift store from
top to bottom. A grainy old highlight film…
Force explodes at that verbiage and jams a can of Castrol into Epler’s
head. The Undertaker leaps to his boss’ aid and hits Force in the
head with starter Rick Stewart’s wired starting box. The three
of them and the WWF announcer roll to the ground and fight before the
guys in the Staff jackets and the police break them up. They get calmed
down to race after a few fights between members of both crews, a fight
highlighted by Austin Coil throwing a battery through the windshield
of the WWF tow truck. After 10 minutes, they race and….
See the possibilities?
I am very happy that WWF chose to play ball with drag racing and I
hope some, I said SOME, of their promotional abilities and media manipulation
rub off on NHRA and IHRA. We drag race folk need a fix of the high test.
I make light of the Ignition Girls and the Winternationals Fanfest that
featured rap rather than country because, frankly, they weren’t
all that brilliant, stilllll…it showed that the Glendora Norwalkers
are starting to get a clue, starting to show a pulse, starting to realize
that the Earth is not the center of the universe. I think its involvement
with pro wrestling and reaching out to other previously unknown-to-the-sport
activities are good for the future. If drag racing is to be the center
of the auto racing universe, it needs to get close to the WWFs, the
Disneys, the Turners, and the other shotmakers in sports.
Don’t play this off. I mean it, you pencil-neck geeks.
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