photo by Jeff Burk

STUFF HAPPENS

I guess it was when Attorney General John Ashcroft, who in a former life was a Spanish Inquisitor or Steve McGarrett, spent $8,000 of the poor dumbass taxpayers' money to cover up the nude statues in the Justice Dept. or wherever the hell it was, that I decided to get my caboose to the drags. When the going gets weird, the weird seek a noisy diversion and the K&N Winternationals seemed to fill the bill.

I've gone to the drags since 1963 and went to my first Winternationals in 1965, so, in a spirit somewhat similar to Don Prudhomme's, I was nearing my 40th anniversary as a pro spectator at the drags. I didn't go last year because of a Three Stooges marathon, but I figured what the hell; these are strange times. I needed a fix, I needed to get back into the swing of things. The dumbing of America is nearly complete, so I needed some numbing, America, as well as a little education. I was feeling a little out of it, quite honestly. So there it was. Straight out of Pomona.

I find the going a little weird out there, too, although I can say, for the most part the weirdness was acceptable, as was the overall show. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.

The Biggest Cheer of Qualifying ... did not go to a racer or race car, but some poor soul in a golf cart and a Budweiser polo shirt. On Saturday of qualifying, Funny Car was just two pairs old when the announcing deck blared that down the return road comes 2001 defending Winston Top Fuel Champion Kenny Bernstein and the Budweiser Clydesdales. The proud steeds pranced their way to the first turnoff road with Bernstein waving his farewell to his fans on his farewell tour, although he does get to double dip at Pomona because of the World Finals in the late Fall. Anywho, one of the Clydesdale's couldn't wait for the executive restroom in the L.A. Fairplex stable area and left a gift for the track right there on the return road.

Now, you remember what happened when Funny Car racer Brent Fanning's Udder Nonsense nitro-burning Funny Cow Pontiac left a similar prize on the Indy starting line at the U.S. Nationals about 10 years ago. The stuff hit the fan. NHRA officials descended on him like the Hell's Angels on Bass Lake and if they could've, they would've Rodney King-ed him right on the spot. He got pitched out for the rest of the year for what they determined as a real shitty sense of humor.

Officialdom at Grimdora has changed over the years, and Bernstein wasn't stomped when he rounded the turn back to the pits. Instead of macing Bernstein or the errant Clydesdale, a lonely figure on a golf cart eased up behind the trotting entourage, dismounted, got a flat-nosed shovel and a plastic barrel out with him, and cleaned it up. The Pomona fans gave him a huge cheer, some even stood and applauded. He didn't really acknowledge it. He just cleaned up the offending pile, barreled it, and rode off into the sunset. Such class. As we at Dragracingonline.Com would say, "Nice work, podnah, this butt's for you."

NAME THE SPONSOR ...

Before I continue with this screed, I'm going to qualify my observances on POWERade's debut with NHRA. I'm guessing here, but their presence looks like it was rushed into production. Very possibly, shirts weren't ready for Pomona; maybe the corporates decided just to get out a logo of any kind because this was the first race announcing the marriage and they were behind schedule, something like that. But ....

I've never seen a more timid intro. For one thing, the new logo manages to kill off both the NHRA logo and the POWERade symbol. The shirts appear to be knit polo jobs with what I think is a very unshowy, non-ostentatious and unobtrusive little oval logo on back. I could barely read POWERade on it and that only after staring for eye adjustment for 10 seconds. And as for NHRA, I couldn't see it at all. To be frank, the design sucked, assuming the offending item didn't breathe life under the gun.

Now, I wasn't up in the tower at all on the weekend, so maybe the execs had big bold NHRA/Winston-type, thick cotton shirts trumpeting those logos with all the subtlety of a clusterbomb, but the on-track help??? It looked like they were embarrassed by the logo. You couldn't read it. It didn't show up. Yes, there was plenty of verbal acknowledgement, some banners, but anything you had to see, you couldn't ... not very well.

Even the flags at the top of the bleachers were anonymous. Again, you had to really look hard to see POWERade. As far as NHRA, forget it, a proton is easier to see than the new NHRA logo on the POWERade symbol.

Yes, they had POWERade banners at points on the track, it was in National DRAGSTER, but my first hit of the whole thing was that POWERade's presence was greatly understated at Pomona. Unless, I missed something, the guys need a Take Two. And don't argue with me, I was sober this weekend and I am right, dammit.

CROWDED HOUSE ...

It's too bad the intro to POWERade was muttered graphically, because the crowd was huge at Pomona. I've been sitting on the top end for the past five years, and on Saturday it was really hard to find a seat between half-track and the top end. It was the biggest group I could recall in a number of years, with the fence fans five and 10 deep. And of course, this added to the atmosphere. It was the way NHRA events used to be: People standing up and forcing those to stand up behind them, fights on the walkways, gambling in the seats, and public drunkeness. I know Republicans are squares and these are reactionary times, but damn, the Winternationals crowd, now that's more like it.

AND ON THE TRACK ...

Who cares? No, just being snide. Qualifying was obviously highlighted by Andrew Cowin's 4.490 Top Fuel low qualifier and track record, although the car's performance plummeted earthward after that ... Oh, for what it's worth, Cowin was NOT the first Aussie to be a low qualifier in a Winternationals Top Fuel show. In 1982, Jim Read of Kangaroo, Australia wheeled R.J. Trotter's dragster to a low e.t. of the meet and No. 1-gouging 5.69 20 years ago ... And on the subject of foreign invaders, how about Japanese driver Yuichi Oyama's best ever Asian nitro qualifier of 4.68/307.86 in the Gavaking/Harry's dragster. That far outdistances anything favorite Kenji Okazaki in the Mooneyes Dodge Funny Car did ...

My favorite pass? Had to have been the run in the first round of Comp Eliminator. Lee Smith's AA/PM '53 Corvette's 6.55/215.00 losing pass. Sure, I know that Kirk Kuhns has been 6.40 in NHRA trim, but those things are bitchin' to watch ... Yo Vinny. Former Comp Eliminator champion and Pro Stock driver Vinny Barone had a rough Saturday, doing what looked like a burnout for the remainder of the track after a 300-foot launch. The motor blew and Barone smoked like a Northern California pot farmer for the rest of the track, finally banking the front end of the Hot Rod Shop entry off the speed trap spectator wall after greasing the E-Street side. Just one question. I went to Roy Hill's Pro Stock School and if the car I had been in blew like Barone's I would've driven out of it and taken my chances with the asphalt. I'm guessing you can hear and feel the engine go. One would think, and I may be full of sh... of prunes, (God, I'm using that metaphor a lot in this column), but one would think that he would've shut if off sooner and pulled it alongside the wall. Oh well ...

Finally, file this in the Can't-Tell-The-Players-Without-A-Program Dept. I admit that I have not been staying up with the cars as much as used to. I've been desperately poor and the competition hasn't jazzed me all that much. Excuses being as they may, my slip-up in this regard rose to the surface like a boil-sized zit during Thursday qualifying. For love or money, I was hard-pressed to identify better than half the nitro cars. Pro Stock, forget it, but nitro, geez, I knew those things pretty well once upon a time. But among those I didn't recognize were Top Fuel racers Bob Hallock, Oyama, Wyatt Radke, Don Lampus, Scott Weis' RaceGirl dragster (although I got to recognize that one the easiest once they made a pass) and Dave Grubnic in the R.F. Chapman dragster.

Funny Car? Terry Haddock in the Negley entry, Dale Creasy with Craftsman on the side, Johnny Gray in Checker/Shuck's/Kragen's livery, Bob Bode's ProMotorsports.com, and even Jim Dunn and Al Hofmann in the title-rights sponsor car, the K&N Filters Firebird eluded my radar. My pals must've thought I was that wretched nerd on that dreadful cell phone commercial, the one that goes, "Can You hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?" (Geez, would I love to kick his ass after school.) I must've asked a half dozen guys, "Who is that again?" dozens of times. And they did kick my ass after the races. But, as soon as the wounds heel, I'll be back.

Until we meet again -- and I promise I'll be a lot sharper -- I remain

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