photo by Jeff Burk

HOOT, MON! HOOT!

Certainly alert ears recognize the timeless lines of the Howard Bros., Curley and Shemp, from their respective appearances as one of the Three Stooges in "Pardon My Scotch." And Moe's rebuttal to their ill-timed frivolity, "Quiet, McNothing!"

Well, there's room for a hoot or two after my finding out that IHRA has signed the Hooters restaurant and pub chain as a year-long sponsor. Say what you will, but somehow I feel more in line with their series-backing sponsor than their cousins to the West. I like bars and food and feminine pulchritude more than I do a sports thirst quencher. Besides, the only exercise I get is falling down so I don't need my thirst quenched. In fact, in most cases, certainly in the past, the tumbles have been fueled by being too quenched.

I didn't stick around for the NHRA Winternationals post-race winners circle ceremonies, so I don't know what the winning racers did. They couldn't shake up their bottles of POWERade, so that kills the admittedly oh-so-tired champagne act and they probably didn't power much of it down. No buzz, just a wet mouth.

Now a Hooters winner's circle might be something else. Certainly, with arm charms like they sport, wet mouths will be the least of IHRA's post-race problems. Drivers will probably shun tight-fitting firesuits. And now that I think about it, the new backer really provides some raw material for new ideas in trophies. I wonder what the cup will look like? (Ho-Ho.)

Somehow I think that IHRA might be on to something. In the past, they had been criticized for bringing in rather arcane sponsors. I remember when I worked at NHRA, what with all its Budweisers and Pennzoils, we used to knowingly chuckle about the IHRA/Terry's Snack Foods Springnationals or whatever the hell the race was. Hey, we're living in different times. Fifteen years ago, "corporate" meant so-so respectability; today it means raided 401K and pension funds, ripped off investors and billion-dollar bunco. Drag racing might be well-served with a populist act like Hooters climbing aboard. It's one thing to help out as an assistant backer as Hooters did for Kenny Bernstein's 1995 Budweiser King Top Fueler, but it's quite another to back a whole association racing series.

On the subject of racing series sponsors, I have watched the NHRA Winters and Gators, and again, I think the entrance of POWERade has been greatly understated visually. If you look hard you can see who's backing the show. As for NHRA, the blue oval is buried at the races. Don't believe it? Flash back to Winston's involvement in 2001 and compare the two. No contest. I admit, or more accurately, hope that the signage and stuff are still being worked out and what POWERade visuals we see are merely interim.

Seriously, I hope Hooters sticks around and if there are some women who are offended by the cheesecake (assuming IHRA brings some of its summer-clad sales staff to the races), then I have an alternate idea. Get Speedo as an associate sponsor and bring out some beef for the ladies. A girlfriend I had years ago hipped me on that, saying "Chris, do 'ya think I like going to the races and every time I go, I have to look at people of the same sex parading around nearly in the buff. How would you like it if ..." yadda, yadda. Still, good point on a reasonable social point.

IHRA with its compact and diversified, not to mention sexually pandering (just kidding) shows look like they will be a real hoot this year.

And off of that clumsy transition, I'd like to add this. You won't have Martin to hoot at much anymore, at least in this spot. The "Chronicles" will be appearing more irregularly than in the past as of April 8. I recently passed an entrance exam with flying colors (I was blazing on acid) to a reputable medical college called the Concorde Institute where I am going to spend the next year and a half learning to be a respiratory therapist. The school basically crams a near four-year program into half that time and it promises to be somewhat intense, thus limiting my contributions ... but not eliminating them.

The sad fact of the matter is outside of NHRA and IHRA (one pays good wages, the other peanuts and popcorn), there's no money in drag racing journalism. Racing writers aren't ripping off anybody. With the exception of maybe a half dozen, aw maybe a dozen people, few writers make money writing about drag racing. Enron stock is worth more than your average track reporter, if such a thing exists anymore. Also, despite the fact that nearly every friend I have is involved in drag racing, the sport (what occurs on track) is losing its allure for me. Competition in the two nitro classes is getting irritatingly repetitive. NASCAR produces new winners all the time (I know Gordon, Jarrett, and Stewart net their share of wins, but they also get drilled a lot, too), and provide a lot more suspense than the straight liners. In two words, the two-lane show is kinda boring for the moment.

However, that doesn't mean there isn't something to write about. Leaving aside the obvious for me (like nostalgia), I still follow it enough and know it well to comment here and there. That's what you'll be getting, at least for the next year and a half.

I know some people who still can't rinse out some of their more manic memories of me will wonder, "A respiratory therapist????" Hey, despite my lack of an incident-free lifestyle, I gave it some serious thought. Now if I had the morals of a Bush staffer I'd say, "Hey, I sold 'em cigarettes for 25 years, now I can clean up the mess." Just kidding, but my father did pass away with respiratory problems and it got me to thinking that I wouldn't want to see anyone go out like that. I also have a friend who introduced me to this sport and you start out at upwards of $30,000 a year. After six years, he was up to $50,000 ... and on a three-day-a-week schedule.

It won't be as much fun as drag racing was for me when I was really into it. Using guidelines like the headline of this column, I'd rate it a half a hoot that might grow into a double hoot.

I'll be talking to 'ya.

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