WARP SCREED

12/8/04

Jeff Burk Photo

You read DRAGSTER, right? Then you're aware that on the very last page they have a closing feature spotlighting some racer expounding on his particular area of expertise. Warren Johnson on Pro Stocks, Bob Frey for chuckles, and Jeremy Torstveit telling you to lose that gut and cut that four-pack-a-day Chesterfield habit to a pack-and-a-half …or something like that.

Lately, I've noticed that the reader friendly "Straight Talk" feature has been revived, an article where the fan learns the racer's slightly more personal data. Where he or she was born, favorite win, most disappointing loss, how long they have been racing, favorite car, and similar usual suspects.

The feature loosens its tie a little, though, when they get into things like their personal favorites ... TV shows, movies, actors, bands, and foods. The DRAGSTER form then teases the edge when it plunges ever deeper with subjects like "Dumbest Thing I've Ever Done," "Best Time of My Life," and "Worst Experience With Local Police."

A good idea, I think. Hey, there's more to this racer then just an out-of-breath sponsor shill on Sunday evening. Geez, I agree with him or her. "World's Strongest Man Competition" is the best show in the history of television, Kenny G. could play Charlie Parker into the toilet, and my favorite website IS "Vintagebigtits.com." ND's objective I'm sure is to humanize their star subjects, and show that they're regular folks just like you or me. Bravo.

Since this is my "last page" for 2004, I got to cogitating. I like to know a few personal things about people I watch perform in public. No, I don't mean the guy in the trenchcoat that feeds the pigeons in the park, but you know ... celebrities. Far be it for me or the Burkster to even consider the word "celebrity" in the same sentence with ourselves, but what the hell, we write for you guys a couple of times a month, so I don't think it's outta line to at least let you know the type of people that are pumping out this screed. With that in mind, let me be the first DRO writer to take off his pants and leap out the hotel window, exposing the real (with limits) C. Bley Motorsports Au Go Go.

Date of Birth: Saturday night, May, 24, 1947

Place of Birth: Burbank, California (St. Joe's Hospital, but almost the bar at the Smoke House restaurant across the street from Warner Bros. studios.)

Family: My late father Bob, my mother Betty, and siblings, Ernie, Sue and Mike.

Nickname: Assh*le (At least, that's what I hear in the pits)

Okay, that's the list of vital statistics, so I'm going to fast forward ahead to the juicier topics. I obviously am not a racer, though I did sputter my brother's Super Comp dragster through the L.A. County Raceway traps and did receive a 5.14 time slip for the eighth at Roy Hill's Drag Racing School. From here, we'll hopscotch through the usual form as seen below.

The Race I'll Never Forget: The 1975 NHRA Supernationals at Ontario.

What I Love Most About Racing: The people (awwwww ...)

Toughest Thing About Racing: 40 people in the restroom line and only 20 seconds time.

Persons I Most Admire: Lenin, Mao, Marx, Engels, Chris Karamesines, Jackie Gleason, "Curley" Howard, Freddie Blassie, Ric Flair, Capt. Beefheart, Frank Zappa, James Joyce, William S. Burroughs, Jack Webb, Bob Avakian, Cecil Taylor, Jim Thompson, Noam Chomsky, Ornette Coleman, Charles Mingus, Laurence Sterne, W.H. Auden, Marianne Moore, Elizabeth Bishop, Charles Bukowski, Stephen Hawking, Harry Greb, Bernard Hopkins, Len Wickwar, Rocky Marciano ...

…oh, wait a minute, "Persons I Admire in RACING."

Ah hell, you know who you are.