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TOOTHLESS EDITORIAL
5/7/04
Jeff Burk Photo |
Ohhh, sweet Jesus, if there’s anything
I’ve said or done over the past years that
has really pissed you off, e-mail me. Better
yet, do like that bit on the old Saturday Night
Live TV show, ring the doorbell and deadpan
“Candygram.” Then when I open it,
snatch me by the head in those shark jaws and
take me to the Mariana Trench.
Good readers, yours truly is on one wicked
jag at the moment. After years of abusing my
body, I learned that my teeth had to be replaced.
Actually, I knew it for sometime, but didn’t
have the wherewithal to do it. Thanks to mother,
the maitre’d in this restaurant has delivered
the check for said lifestyle and right now there’s
a big storm cloud over me and the mojo box.
In the past two days, I’ve had 17 extractions
and I’m hurting. The source of the considerable
pain from the missing teeth is located only
a few inches from my brain, and I’m afraid
some of the poisons have hit the part closest
to my left jaw where I store my drag racing
info. The store’s been looted; I’m
bereft of lucid commentary, so I’ll have
to deal with what’s on my desk, leaving
aside the French white heroin and the Dickel
Bros. sour mash.
What’s this? Eyes are coming in and out
of focus. “2004 predictions for DRO. Look
for Rob Passey (Top Fuel), Steven Neese (Funny
Car) and George Weiler (Pro Stock) to take the
POWERade titles.” Damn, did I actually
write that? Well two out of three are still
in the running.
Okay, another snippet. “Pool, cards, girls,
drag racing.” What the hell is ... oh,
wait, I got a handle on it. Karen Stoffer’s
recent win at Houston in Pro Stock Bike. Yes,
it’s coming back to me. No big deal, I’m
too weak to assume a fighting stance. But a
woman winning in any drag race category is no
big deal. They are every bit as good as the
male drivers. No handicaps, no runs, no errors.
We in the straight line sport should be proud
of this along with those who play poker and
pool for a living. Da’ goils can do it
just as well as well.
Aleve® pain pills. Man, are these things
lifesavers. I think most over-the-counter drug
items are generally just a bit above useless.
The billions of dollars spent on TV commercials
hugely inflate the value of their products.
Hell, in some cases, they flat out lie. I know,
how naive, Martin, you probably think Sean Hannity
should make a run for office. No, a run for
the recruitment center, so that table-pounding
armchair general can back up his big reactionary
mouth.
Oh, what am I doing? Anyway, Aleve® works
better than a faith healer. A mouth like a torn
pocket ... yet ... the pain is gone.
All right, let’s see. I read in National
DRAGSTER where editor Phil Burgess used the
“Staging Light” to rebuff some criticism
directed at new NHRA Pro Stock boss Greg Anderson.
Some of the critics ACTUALLY are ultra-concerned
that Anderson is winning too much, and from
the tone, some nearly traipsed over the boundary
and suggested he might be ... you know ... bending
the rules.
Burgess’ response was right on the money
and I think dovetails with mine. Anderson got
where he is on talent and ability and his rise
to recent fame is a boon to the sport. We need
NEW stars in this sport and this guy is the
genuine article. Burgess alluded to the fact
that a guy named Bob Glidden came on like a
big cup of coffee in a somewhat similar way.
I love Warren Johnson and I, like everyone else,
will get wet-eyed the day John Force retires.
NASCAR effortlessly survived the passing of
Dale Earnhardt, and everyone from his son, Jimmie
Johnson, Kevin Harvick, and Kasey Kahne, plus
a whole load of new faces have battled very
competitively for the lead. Anderson’s
winning too
much? We need more Greg Andersons, chuckleheads!
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