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11.) The answer to the
1990s “No Fear” t-shirts? The West Coast Choppers
shirts. You know, instant outlaw for stockbrokers and file
clerks. Imagine the late “Sonny” Barger wearing
one of those things. A Mussolini headkick for the offender.
12.) Best story of 2005
that didn’t happen? Don Garlits’ “Swamp
Rat II”/Giovannoni Cams dragster ran quick enough on
its Sunday exhibition run to qualify for the 8-car field at
George Howard’s $101,000 to-win Rocket City Nationals
Top Fuel show. Imagine if he’d have won the son of a
bitch?! Be like Bush admitting that he might’ve f*cked
up somewhere along the line. (As you can guess, I can’t
stand that gutless, platitude-spouting hand puppet).
13.) And on the subject
of the $101,000 show in Huntsville. Burk and I will personally
whip out our Mac-10s and hemstitch the spines of any unsponsored
or under-sponsored fuel dragster racer who whines to us about
money. $10,000 to first round losers!!!!!! What in the wide
world of sports is the matter with you guys? As Ralph Kramden
responded to wife Alice in the Honeymooners, you’re
always bellyachin’ about waiting for your ship to come
in … well, here it is ..THE QUEEN MARY!
14.) Reality thrill shows?
Death defying? How so!!?? They’ve got a camera crew
there and a doctor is a cell phone away if not actually on
the set. Dumb, dumb, dumber, and dumber.
15.) Never call yourself
“Big,” “Bad,” “the Kid”
or whatever. Let a nickname develop naturally through other
people calling you that. It’s more genuine, more authentic.
I mean people call me “assh*le” and I wear that
as a badge of honor.
16.) I got to see Doug
Kalitta’s 335.57 at Las Vegas last February, and thought
I may have seen the permanent best speed of all-time, until
Tony Schumacher and Alan Johnson sped by in Columbus at 336.15-mph.
340-mph? Probably and I hope I’m there.
17.) As mini-successful
1960s rocker Ral Donner once sang, “You Don’t
Know What You’ve Got (Until You Lose It).” I miss
the hell out of nitro racers like Eddie Hill, Pat Austin,
Chuck Etchells, Al Hofmann, Dean Skuza, Kenji Okazaki, Gary
Bolger, et al. Imagine if they had backing and were racing.
I guarantee you that the exclusive county club atmosphere
that we have now would be disrupted like the “Dykes
on Bikes” crashing a meeting of the Gold Star Mothers.
18.) Rock n’ roll
is dying, if not corpsed. Kelly Clarkson, the Nashville Star
contestants, Jessica Simpson, Brittany Spears, J.Lo, Christina
Aguilera? It’s performers of their ilk that dominate
in the battle for Grammy crap like Best Artist, Best Song
and Best Album. Puhleeeze. That’s not the sound of music,
that’s the sound of making money. Don’t think
so? Conjure up the ghost of Frank Zappa.
19.) I like Danica Patrick.
Unlike the above, I think she has definite history-making
potential/talent.
20.) Did anyone see “Gleason”
on TV recently? It was the film auto-biography of my all-time
favorite comic Jackie Gleason. The show was very good and
Brad Garrett, the lovable lummox in “Everybody Loves
Raymond” was fabulous. As in Emmy Award fabulous. I
went into the show prepared to hate it. I wonder what Dale
Armstrong thought about it?
20A.) I know some are
bound to be offended, but I don’t like Raymond. Maybe
Romano’s a good guy. But funny? Like an open casket
funeral.
21.) Robert Hight looks
as good as any Funny Car rookie that I can recall. He’s
leading the NHRA points as of Aug. 1 and it’s hardly
out of the question that he could hang on to eat dinner with
the rich kids at the end of the year. Considering Hight’s
crew chief, Jimmy Prock, Eric Medlen and the rest of the Castrol-ites,
does John Force know how to pick ‘em or what?
22.) I’m sure there
are plenty of legit reasons why Chevy’s stock was reduced
to “junk bond” status, but I’m positive
it has nothing to do with that truck of theirs that looks
like a slicked out ’48 step-side. My favorite general
priced vehicle since the PT Cruiser and FoMoCo’s retro
‘Bird.
23.) Lance Armstrong
is a superior athlete and most likely and deservedly, will
win the Sullivan Award later this year. My problem? Who cares?
Sudden interest in bicycle racing, Tour de France or not,
is a product of media manipulation. Bicycle racing is a tough,
demanding sport, but third-rate entertainment at best.
24.) On the subject of
third rate entertainment, I must be headed for Sun City. Right
now, leaving aside first-rate entertainment as in boxing and
occasionally televised drag racing, I like, god forbid, world
class poker and .. please don’t hit me … GOLF?
25.) I can hear the sighs
of relief, all three or four of them … for copping to
the fact that you won’t be reading this kind of spiel
for another 5 or 6 years. 
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