In my opinion, in general the vast majority of television ads suck. With rare exceptions, they assume we all reason with our underwear, they talk down to their audiences, show little if any artistic merit, are incredibly stupid and unfunny, sentimental, and more important than all, the majority are bald-faced lies.

So why bother with this bilge? Well, because television ads equal probably half of all TV time, if not more. Just look at the Super Bowl. The game takes 60 minutes to play with an allowance of an additional 15 minutes for half-time. Yet, how long did last year's sprawling coverage take? How about four hours.

Car race coverage is also inundated with ads and DRO decided to take a look at the quality of ads that flood NASCAR and NHRA coverage. During the first weekend of October, I watched the NASCAR/NAPA Auto Care 500 at Martinsville, Va. and the NHRA Advance Auto Parts Nationals at Heartland Park Topeka and rated the ads. My attitude was, as needed as they are, those idiots subject us to a lot of nonsense, so what's wrong with letting them know what works and what is wretched. It can only produce a better product, right? Below is my fix on the events.

BIGGEST CLICHE: Mobil-1
This oil company's ad writers get fat and lazy like so many corporate entities and routinely dish up some wornout, tired, cliched, "We're the best because we say so" motto and it shows in the Mobil-1 logo, which says "Nothing Outperforms Mobil-1." Nothing? Wanna bet? If you're talking about the quality of the oil as opposed to the other brands, okay, prove it. Get an unbiased testing source that tests Havoline, Valvoline, Pennzoil, Castrol, Airways reclaimed motor oil, and all the others at all levels of performance and if you can come back and say, "We're No. 1," I'll back up.

I mean how dumb do you think your audiences are? You can train a parrot to say, "We outperform, we're No. 1," and it reflects the laziest and, to a significant degree, one of the more dishonest (admittedly time-honored) approaches to advertising. Mobil-izers, can't you do better than that? By the way, Mobil-1 is far from being alone in this uncreative category. My advice? Either prove it or quit it.

MOST CREATIVE: Kansas Speedway and Valvoline
"A storm is coming to Kansas City" booms the booth announcer and the viewer is greeted by humongous, bordering on tornado-like, thunderheads. With lightning flashing all about, the new Kansas Speedway and its RPM ticket package give a colorful, NASCAR collage intro to the viewer. Nothing that'll cure cancer here, but at least they didn't say they were No. 1.

Valvoline's sonogram of a fetus in the womb working an accelerator and shifting was cute, short, and to the point. All the announcer says is "You can always tell the guy who uses Valvoline." Yeah, and he hasn't been born yet. Okay, okay, that's mean-spirited.

MOST IRRITATING: Quaker State and Purolator
In recent months, Quaker State has fed us the good old reliable hot-chick- talkin'-trash-and-down-to-the-guys bit. This cocky brunette, tight-butt non-charmer smarts off with an opening line of "Hey, Mr. Tool Belt." Oh, sexist, eh? "You talkin' to me, crossdresser?" She digs in with, "Women know when you're lying." I counter with, "That's not the exclusive province of one sex, airhead." I mean, who are Quaker State's script writers? Have they ever gotten outside? Have they ever heard a good joke? Would they recognize one? Were they all straight-A students?

This talentless temptress concludes her spiel on Quaker State's engine life extension capabilities with, "Can you say insurance? Can I say I told you so?" Yes, you may, and I can conclude with "When you talk this way to me, I will drink out of the toilet before I buy anything made by Quaker State."

I unfortunately did not see the whole Purolator ad, but I think I saw enough. It had a thick-bodied, bull-necked mesomorphic mouthpiece who should be named Vinny, Tony, or Al, and he lays the law down to the male viewer, man to man.

(I'm paraphrasing his attitude) "Hey, what's with you? Gonna run garbage oil filters all your life? Smarten up punk, or I'll come through that screen and block your hat for 'ya. For once in your insignificant existence, don't be a dork, buy a Purolator filter ... or else."

Again, where do they come up with this crap? I thought Fram had laid this attitude to rest with their revolting "Pay me now or pay me later" pitch of a few seasons back. Yeah, I'll pay you later ... as when hell freezes over.

FUNNIEST: Craftsman and Cooper Tire
Craftsman's pitch on its tools is so bad, it's hilarious. It's unintentionally funny ad is a result of it's time-worn, threadbare assumption that male viewers are seduced by the endless repetition of the word "tough" in its ads. Just like voters who get weak in the knees when some political hack repeats "family values" over and over again.

"Tough trucks, tough drivers, tough competition, tough tools," all repeated over and over for the No Fear people (I guess) in our midst. Of course, it beats "effeminate trucks, sissy competition, and gentle tools," but come on. Drop that attitude. I just can't believe that there are viewers out there who still don't laugh uproariously when such pandering, brainless drivel appears on their screen.

And then there's old Arnold Palmer. Is it my imagination or has he been 70-plus years old for the past two decades. I can't remember him as a young man anymore. The ad guys are turning him into Walter Brennan. In this particular bit, old Arnold visits an old friend at an old gas station in an old country town. Before this Cooper Tire pitch, Arnold had an old tractor on his old farm, which he kept alive with good old reliable Pennzoil. Who would have thunk that this old guy is a Hall of Fame golfer based on this "old" schnuss?

I would include NHRA here but I made a very important discovery. Based on their Topeka coverage, I think that the association must be owned by Wrenchead.com; they must have had at least six shots during the hour and a half presentation. The ad was informative and relatively inoffensive, just unfunny and somewhat boring.

If Wrenchead doesn't hold the title on NHRA, then it's Fram Oil Filters. They, too, got an inordinate amount of hits and with a fairly idiotic ad.

Young guy comes into the store. Counter guy says,"What can I do you out of?" "Just a filter," kid says. "Just a filter?" the counterman inquires incredulously. "Son, you put an inferior filter on your engine and the resultant fire will take you and your car to hell."

Then comes the predictable, "Look, nothing is more dependable than a Fram," blah and blah, and on the big brown river rolls. I'd like to see the following. Kid says, "Just a filter." Counterman goes into his barrage of crap. Kid balls up his fist. Counterman says, "What's that?" Kid says "Just a left hook."

Fram knows how to do better. Just look at John Force in the upside down Funny Car. Now that's funny, that's creative; this isn't, this isn't.

I realize what role sponsors play, but just because they own the world, doesn't mean that they should use those resources to turn out mind-numbing junk. Admittedly, some of the above is tongue in cheek, but, gimme a break, quit treating your audience like a theater full of happy faces. Think. Be creative. Let's get some ad quality that approximates the product. I'm not ripping the merchandise mind you, but I am going after the merchandising.