"Drag Racing is not a television sport"

and

"You can't capture that sound (nitro cackle) on TV."

Those seemingly prophetic words, uttered by Diamond P's ex-director John B. Mullin some 10 years ago on "NHRA Today" have pretty much summed up any past television coverage of the sport.

Harsh negative criticism has always plagued NHRA TV shows since the beginning and with good reason. You can't sell the public on drag racing with boring, non-entertaining television coverage.

My suggestion? Wipe the slate clean on how you've produced shows in the past, then re-structure them around only fuel cars and give the fans what they want.

So now it's 2000 and time for the first NHRA TV show of the millennium. Excitement in the air. Expectations of the New NHRA TV package. Tom Compton's promise of talented production companies. The completed Winternationals was one of the best races in recent memory.

Only you'd never know that from the TV show.

What did the viewers see in the first televised NHRA show of the year?

How about more of the same with a few new wrinkles. Minor problems, but important nonetheless. Like out-of-focus pit cameras; or jittery, unsure line-camera techniques poorly executed and cut; consistently unimaginative and unprepared top end interviews; untimely edit cuts on those fabulous top end reverse shots. You know, the ones where they come straight at you and then cut back to the chute shot. It's supposed to feel like the cars are going through you. Only, the cut has to be instantaneous. Timing must be perfect for the shot to work. This would be hard for anyone to do. The cars get lost for a second, then magically pop out of the frame.

If you're going to DO a shot, especially an artsy one, then you’d better do it right or not do it at all. Sloppy is sloppy. Professionals are supposed to get it right, the first time. This shot didn’t work in the Winternationals coverage.

Through the years I have struggled to:

1. lose weight
2. raise four kids
3. watch NHRA TV shows.

I'll let you guess which is the hardest to do.

Unlike the average Joe who may sit through and maybe even enjoy the show, I am terminally cursed with the editor's eye. My wife hates going to movies with me ’cause I ruin it for her. She can watch and actually enjoy the flick. I'm wondering why the editor missed the cut where the actor lights up a cigarette and in the next frame it is half-smoked. That's how I watch everything. It sucks. Not fun. But it's a blessing when I watch Rocky and Bullwinkle because I don't miss anything Jay Ward throws in. (For example, when Snidely Whiplash kidnaps Nell Fenwick and says to Dudley Do-Right: "Aha. I have her now. And you shall never get her back...or any other part of her.")

Most directors / cameramen / editors all have this surreal awareness. Experienced ones view scenes frame by frame. They can't help it. It comes with the job. It should be classified as a compulsive disorder.

So the following assessment of the Pomona TV show is what was, with a dash of what it could be, and a few good griefs thrown in.

WINTERNATIONALS, ESPN 2, 10:30pm, 2 HRS.

NHRA's new slogan "WE HAVE IGNITION" is hardly strong enough to lure a viewer. It comes at the climax of the music / video intro to the show; a quick-clip film montage of diggers and doorslammers set to eerie music. There's a spooky clip of Bernstein leading some racers through dense tire smoke against a checkerboard background like they're coming out of the Race Rock Cafe. They have this serious look (well, either it's a serious look or they’ve got a bag on). Capping it off is a clip of the Chief Starter shaking his fists. Hey didn't I see that in a MOPAR commercial?

Comment: It's not a bad opening.

Suggestion: Change slogan to "WE'VE GOT NITRO!"

OK, so I'm still watching. In the past I might have shut the set off by now, but I'm game. Here comes the intros of the drivers in the pits. But only the NHRA darlings. Slo-motion, cool…OK.

Then comes yet another music / clip intro for ESPN Speed World, which is identical to last year's intro…uh-oh, a show with two intros and one of them rehashed.

Comment: Inconsistent, unsure of itself beginning.

Suggestion: One combined intro.

Intros over, here comes the chatter brigade. In this corner, weighing in at heavyweight, the man who can talk up a storm, say absolutely nothing, and flow readily along easy as you please: the great…Dave McClelland.

Great oratory on the weather, track conditions and new NHRA rules. For the next two hours we get how wise the new NHRA rules are hammered down our throats at every opportunity. This is called "if we say it over and over, you will eventually agree with us."

And in this corner, the talented, beautiful, sincere, professional and crowd appealing Miss Shelley Anderson. Sacrificial lamb led to the slaughter at center stage, abandoned and undirected, left alone and put in front of the wolves. God bless you, Shelley, I feel your pain..

Comment: You make a true superstar look bad.

Suggestion: Rehearse and direct Shelley.

The other two announcers seem happy to just wear their NASA earphones with the big antennas sticking out. Their task is to look like they belong. I never thought I'd miss Steve Evans. If I was one of them, I'd wear the tallest antenna. Or maybe double antennas. The Commander Cody look. Makes you look important.

This collective talent maintained its two hour vigil of non-stop blathering throughout the race. Everything from technical data to the standard, "The reason for the burnout is to blah, blah, blah," to more repeat rules thumping.

Comment: The audience doesn't give a damn about talking. they want cackling. WE WANT NITRO!

Suggestion: Start the show with first round top fuel in all its glory. Substitute chatter for action.

So as the show babbles on, the audience drifts away. Ergo, low ratings. Question. How do you keep and moreover, HOLD, your audience?

Now somewhere along the way kiddies, one must come to the realization based on logic and reason, that the low ratings and lost sponsors are the result of this kind of TV. That's a historical fact. It happened. And from shows that beat this one.

And there's 25 more TV shows to look forward to. Any bets on how many viewers they'll have left by then?

Suggestion: Give the fans what they want. Fuel.

Is it just me or does it irk you too when the fuelers are cackling away and all you hear is Mac on the mike? One noticeable change in this show, however, was mike placement. Real far away, not just lowered. Hence the cars sounded far away.

Comment: The viewer cannot connect with the cars.

Suggestion: I WANT THE CACK! THE CACK KEEPS ME GLUED TO THE SCREEN. DUH!

This is what drag racing is all about. Yowzer.

What did we get in this year’s coverage of the Winternats? A standard McClelland monologue that goes on for 10 minutes. Still no cars racing. Yeah, we haven't lost anybody in TV land. We got 'em where we want 'em. They're glued to their sets.

Then when big Dave is done, we switch to the FUELERS burning out in wild unbridled fury augmented by crisp sound and....whoa, whoa, hey wait a minute....back up. No. Sorry. That's what I was praying for.

Instead we suffer more rules explanations from drivers. (As if the viewer likes to constantly be reminded that his heroes are being penalized with lost points and fined for oil downs). The viewer then continuously gets bombarded on how righteous the new NHRA rules are. For the duration. They could have called the show "Winternationals Rule".

You've told us already. Again and again. Let's move on and stop beating this dead horse. Do you think we're not aware that Snake walks the NHRA line while his fellow racers are going....what??? Consider there are intelligent people and fans who got the message the first time. Have respect for THEIR judgment on YOUR rules and whether they are acceptable.

Comment: Lost the audience because of boring talking.

Suggestion: New Slogan. "WE GOT RULES!"

Of course I won't even mention the disastrous Saturday qualifying fiasco on ESPN2 at 1am. They made the audience wait 43 minutes(!) before fuelers began qualifying. Yeah, nobody went to bed.

Cut to Shelley in the pits. The poor young thing has everything it takes to be a great TV personality. Everything but direction. Which is everything. So what does Shelley do? The best she can on her own. Love you Shelley.

Comment: You're destroying your one shining light.

Suggestion: Get Shelley a competent director.

In discussing the new rules, (Did I mention new rules?), we get the NHRA line rammed down our throats by the same three heavily-sponsored fuel shills, and get to see an uncomfortable John Force walk the tightrope between management and labor, understanding both sides while his body language betrays his true feelings.

And I always loved those cutesy names that are so appropriately applicable to the racer they describe, like Jungle Jim, or Eddie the Thrill! "Snake" is a good one. But the award for shilling above and beyond goes to the inimitable Joe "don't call me Snoopy" Amato. After a brilliant pass, he gets out of his smoking digger, whips off the old helmet and, panting to catch his breath, blurts out the NHRA party line in all its glory. What a thrill. What dedication. It's a moment I've frozen in time forever.

Just once I'd like to hear a complete sentence from the Charles Schultz wannabe without mentioning the word NHRA. Or is that four words?

And so we get more of the same. It's not enough that we don't get to hear the fuel cars for the chatter, it's also having to put up with those top end meaningless interviews as the next pair burnout. We never get to see that. We're watching a talking head thank his sponsors.

Comment: This results in pissing off the viewer. And it’s boring.

Suggestion: Show the complete burnout, loud and full. Then, put the image of the racer in an upper right box while the back-up takes place and turn up the volume of the interviewee.

The problem is not so much the formulaic, staid production values, it is the total waste of primetime with bland footage and wasted excess talent on-air time.

The race is a taped show cut in the field. So they must follow a formula. OK, but there are many ways to take full advantage of dead air with pre-planned shots. Oh, you mean we have to do pre-planning? Oh man. More work? Where's my agent?

Comment: Sloppy preparation, sloppy show.

Suggestion: Have a stock B roll of people in the stands and their close-up reactions. Then insert clips into the dead visual space. Those cuts would connect to the viewer with the fans.

End credits include "Enhanced audio provided by HIGH DEFINITION AUDIO. INC" Sounds like a high dollar sound company. Were they there? Hmmmm.

Can I never again see another Pro Stock ladder clapboard, please?

When you're at a race and the fuelers have finished, watch the stands empty when Pro Stock comes up. What do you think the viewer at home is doing?

Comment: Pro Stock is a ratings loss

Suggestion: Eliminate Pro Stock anything. Run a Fuel show only.

Kenny Youngblood says "The word Pro Stock is an oxymoron. There's nothing Pro about Stock. The focus of the show should be centered on that which is entertaining."

There's always an exception though. Like Jeg Coughlin beating Warren Johnson in the final, but that's stretching it.

Now, thank God for Pro Stock Trucks. Experts say that a ten minute power nap is just what you need to get refreshed. And after watching for a hour, THAT was the perfect remedy at the right time. It's just what I needed to get through the second half. My buddy spent HIS break taking that long pause out back by the tree after consuming a six-pack.

Pit interviews. Someone has come up with a real artsy shot that I lay no claim to. I call it the rolling ocean shot. You know, the camera walks into the pits while the driver is interviewed by one of the Commander Cody boys. Then the camera finds its way to the driver himself. Then backs away, then gets closer in, then backs up again, then goes to the static crew, then...Wait a minute, I'm getting seasick.

Comment: Getting seasick. Plus you can't follow the interviewee while you watch other moving images. It's very distracting to the viewer. (See Directing 101)

Suggestion: Wear a life preserver for this portion of the show. Then try a hidden camera in the pits for real life, fly on the wall voyeurism.

As to the system of cutting in the field, it is always the same for every pass. From the close-up of the staging wheel, to the front camera cut (where you can never tell who hole-shotted) to the four cuts on the leave (confusing), to finish line cut to the crew cheering, to the chutes from the rear. Ho hum.

Comment: The routine, always the same cutting numbs the viewer’s interest. The unexpected remains unexpected. Drama is totally missing. Intensity is nonexistent.

Suggestion: Mix the cuts to create anticipation. Turn up the sound. Get better mikes. Cackling sound makes it intense. Without it Fuelers look like pretty race cars with no punch.

Did you ever hear what chutes sound like when they POP out? YO!!!

How about engine burping at top end with heat ripples rising from the flame-out pipes. Gimme a damn close-up will you camera four? Where are my sound men???? My kingdom for a sound man.

A television show like the recent Winternationals is guaranteed to do one thing. Continue the downward descent.

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