Drag Racing Online- Special

48 Ways to beat the State Lottery

... or the Indy Tout Sheet

By Jeff Burk and Chris Martin

You didn't think you'd get through an Indy souvenir issue without one of these provokers of bewilderment, rage and mutiny? The above duo worked on this dog of a project long and incestuously and have come up with this humble offering, designed to combat YOUR boredom and confound OUR enemies. So, pick up your fork and dig in. Ground pepper on that, Sir or Madam or whatever the case may be?

TOP FUEL		SPONSOR

(1) Gary Scelzi		Winston
Reportedly, a Make-a-Wish winner chose a post-race victory party at the Johnson trailer over a trip to Disney World. Will need some Alan Johnson magic to get win here. Defending champ gets the tip of this glass. 2-1

(2) Joe Amato		Tenneco
The "Amato-matta?" has the horse for the course. When he's hooked up, he's on top of the world; when not, he's on top of "Ole Smokey". Yo Joey, leave 'da climbin' gear at home. If Prock is on his game, mortgage the house. 5-2

(3) Kenny Bernstein		Budweiser
Don't eat chicken at Kenny's pitside hospitality center, no one's seen Louie for awhile. Lookin' for the first win of '99 'the King' will be pulling no punches. Lee Beard making a "salary drive" is a dangerous man and could make difference here. 7-2

(4) Doug Kalitta		Kitty Hawk
Doug Kalitta. Won second straight Sears title and did it with an "Ace" in the hole. Ace knows this track better than most and has won here more than most. Dark horse favorite. 5-1

(5) Mike Dunn		Mopar Parts
Mopar entry a tad below par lately. Mike won't be Dunn for the season if Veney ken get 'er back into the 4.5s consistently. Plenty of talent here. Losing sponsor might have hurt parts supply and chances 7-1

(6) Doug Herbert		Snap-On Tools
Nobody's gonna deck LaHaie for the respectable seasons 5-time IHRA boss Herbert has enjoyed. Has multiple wins on NHRA circuit, certified hitter. If LaHaie is in good mood the rest of the boys could go home in a bad mood. Could strap-on a win here but it won't be a snap or a surprise. 7-1

(7) Larry Dixon		MBNA/Miller Beer
"Larry, Larry, quite contrary", how in the hell do you keep one of these goddamn, long, skinny things consistent? If Armstrong and kid continue to click like they did at Brainard, schools out 8-1

(8) Tony Schumacher		Exide Batteries
The world's only 330-mph driver still looking for big win. Car's anything but a six-volt Sunbeam and Indy's not out of the question. Horsepower team has to get a call here. 9-1

(9) Bob Vandergriff Jr.		Jerzees
Car is hauling ass, but then something screws up. If the frustration continues to build, look for "Jerzees" to be misspelled "Jeezus." Will need a break. 10-1

(10) Cory McClenathan		MBNA
One day, Cory Mac will get back on track, Jack. So cut him some slack and take him off the rack. 10-1

(11) Eddie Hill		Pennzoil
"The Thrill is gone?" Eddie 'Over the' Hill? It's been well over a year since he's won one, but this Hall of Famer to-be still has a few cards up his sleeve. Can run 4.60's at will, but will that be enough? 12-1

(12) Jim Head		Checker/Schuck's/Kragen
Give us Jim 'til we're dead. Never say-die competitor won Funny Car (1984) and Top Fuel (1997) here. If Scelzi leaves early, help from Alan Johnson makes him a better bet. 13-1

(13)Paul Romine		Car Quest
Former IHRA champ's car could be renamed "Win Quest" as he is still looking for first NHRA title. Like so many before him when the first letter "I" is changed to "N", the game gets a little trickier. Car Craft finalist will need more than that nomination to win here. 20-1

(14) Randy Parks		Fluke
Has the Johnson's old car, but not their performance. If team can go a few rounds and not break anything, the weekend would rate as successful, but it will still be a fluke if they win here. 25-1

(15) Dave Grubnic		Montana Express
Car's owner John Mitchell was one of the best drivers at the late lamented Lion's Dragstrip. This isn't Lions and John isn't driving. Don't know why we brought that up. (Forget it). Has run 4.5's before; will need that and more than once. "Indy win" is Australian for "not this race" mate. 25-1

(16) Steve Smith		Lone Wolf No Sponsor
IHRA regular would shoot Bill Bader's dog just to qualify for this field. A win at Indy is possible here. So is Paul Romine's chances of winning Car Craft Top Fuel driver of year. 30-1

FUNNY CAR		SPONSOR

(1) John Force		Mustang Castrol GTX
78 National-event wins, nine NHRA Winston titles, one AHRA World title, three Indy wins, four Big Bud Shootout titles, and 100 million fans. On first name basis with Elvis, Selena and Austin Coil. Question: What're you other guys doin' here? 2-3

(1a) Tony Pedregon		Mustang Castrol Syntech
Batman had Robin, Abbott had Costello, Clark had Lois (scratch that last one) and Force has Tony. They are the best 1-2 Funny Car combination in history and will probably show why here. 2-1

(2) Whit Bazemore		Camaro Kendall/Chuck Etchells
The dimple's on his chin, not his forehead. Sharp, cagey driver stormed the field at Sears. Hottest car on circuit has been to finals last four of last five races. New aerodynamic body and Tim and Kim a plus. Won here in 1997, why not again? Even money

(3) Tommy Johnson Jr.		Interstate Batteries/Hot Rod Magazine
Cerny has the car up to snuff, T.J. Jr. gettin' there. Maybe he'll perform a little Interstate assault and battery here. (Boy, there's a stretch). 3-1

(5) Del Worsham		Checker/Schuck's/Kragen
(And on the subject of stretches) If a certain Mexican fast food chain picked up Worsham and called him "Taco Del", that Chihuahua would be tire tread. CSK driver won Seattle. Can't ignore. 5-1

(6) Ron Capps		Copenhagen/Prudhomme
Any other year this team would be a favorite here. Right now, and Ron and friends have the fastest car in Copenhagen. He, "Snake", Armstrong, and Roland would like to end slump at Indy, but it will take more than new paint scheme. 6-1

(7) Jerry Toliver		Pontiac WWF Racing
"Well, Mean Gene, it's the same wherever 'ya go. People askin' me, Jerry Toliver, what're ya' gonna do with John Force and his outlaw gang? Well, I say to you and Force and all the rest of 'em, that with the millions of little Jerry-maniacs who are doin' the trainin', the prayers, the vitamins, just one thing I want to know, 'John Force, what are YOU gonna do when Judge Toliver passes sentence on yooooouuuuuu!!???" 7-1

(7a) Jim Epler		Corvette Easy Care
"Easy Care?" Not lately. His cars have been beat up more than Jim Rockford's Trans Am and 300mph first is just a golden memory. Something's gotta give, let's hope it's not Jim. Being Toliver's tag team partner might help, but Epler still a very long shot. 20-1

(8) Scotty Cannon		Oakley
Pro Modified superstar has acquitted himself fairly well in rookie season. With Pulde in the pits, these guys have upset potential but will need some racing luck. 8-1

(9) Frank Pedregon Jr.		Penthouse/Jim Dunn
Here's the view on the Penthouse from the outhouse. We were wondering what the victory bonus is for young Pedregon. Dunn can do it still. 9-1

(10) Dean Skuza		Matco Tools
"Skuza please, but we think that if Dino can mate his performance with his crowd pleasing burnouts he'll be tooling into the winner's circle. 10-1

(11) Gary Densham		NEC Communications
It's amazing how he keeps his cheery exterior. Struggles on a budget for 25 years, gets a good backer, and luck deserts him. Probably the owner of the only soundproofed trailer in Indy. 11-1

(12) Cory Lee		Pioneer/Hoover
Sure hope the money holds out here. Just a little more beef in the tune-up and this car is in. Lee shows equal amounts of brilliance and fire. 18-1

(13) Dale Creasy Jr.		Mad Racing
Would like the type of weekend where Mad doesn't get reversed to "dam" on the side of the car. Can't believe that Dale Jr. is 40 (!!). Geesh, that means that dad is ... ah, never mind. 20-1

(14) Al Hofmann		Hofmann Racing
No stranger to bad luck, Al's problems are now those of traction. His car could smoke the tires on a track made of Velcro. Jimbo out, Dunn in? 22-1

(15) Cristen Powell		JCIT
Showed plenty of guts and surprising ability in Top Fuel. However, Funny Car is a far different world. If she wins, it'll be one of the biggest surprises in race history. 50-1

PRO STOCK		SPONSOR

(1) Jeg Coughlin, Jr		Cutlass Jeg's
Won in four categories in 1997 and an obvious threat for Winston honors. There are those among us that feel this is the best of the new Pro Stock drivers, gas problems aside. Win at Brainard gives team edge. 3-2

(1a) Troy Coughlin		Cutlass Jeg's
Yet another of the many talented members of the Flying Coughlin's circus act. Still, looking for win number one, which will be a tall order here. 4-1

(2) Warren Johnson		Firebird GM Goodwrench
Drag racing's "Mr. GM Great-wrench" is best one-man act in class. 77 NHRA career wins. Has made more power than anyone in the past decade; it all hangs on his driving. Kurt in this car would be a lock. 2-1

(2a) Kurt Johnson		Camaro AC-Delco
You know if Funny Car develops a Johnson clan, the sport would be run by this surname. Alan Johnson in Top Fuel, Warren here...well anyway, Kurt's better than good. 3-1

(3) Jim Yates		Firebird SplitFire
Had the run of the ranch for two years, but things have caught up with him. Still, recent victory indicates he is more than capable of a Indy win. 5-1

(4) Richie Stevens		Firebird Collins Racing
Not just a young, rich kid with friends in high places. Roy Hill school grad a genuine talent who might just open some eyes. 6-1

(5) Mike Edwards		Camaro Dewco
Here's a religious racer who gets his prayers answered more frequently than most. He's the defending Indy champ. Repeat not out of question. 7-1

(6) Allan Johnson		Avenger AMOCO
The other "Dodge Boy" has done better than his two more illustrious counterparts in the last couple of seasons. Only Dodge with real shot at title. Has a tendency to be a little bit off and on. 8-1

(7) Darrell Alderman		Avenger Mopar Parts
Former three-time Winston champ is an extraordinary driver in a car that's become ordinary. Did qualify well on Western Swing so maybe the sleeping giant is starting to rouse. Hemi motor at Indy a factor. 10-1

(8) Mark Pawuk		Pontiac Summit Racing
Anything will be better than last year's DNQ (well not a crash, but you get the idea). Has run in the 6.8s, so the horses are in the stable. 12-1

(8a) Greg Anderson		Pontiac Summit Racing
Worked with the best horsepower teacher in the world (Warren Johnson) for many years, and it's starting to show. Dark horse pick. 20-1

(9) Tom Martino		Pontiac Century 21 / Six Flags
Century 21? Maybe that means he won't win until the new milennium. Either way, should be doing a lot better. Knows how to win. 15-1

(10) John Nobile		Cutlass
Kind of in the same bag as pal, Martino. On occasion, he's stepped up and qualified well, but not with a helluva lot of consistency. 17-1

(11) Bruce Allen		Pontiac The Outlaw
Was a finalist here in 1985 and 1986, but at the risk of sounding tedious, 'that was then, this is now.' 20-1

(12) Larry Morgan		Avenger Mopar Performance Parts
Engine builder and racer from Ohio has won the big Pro Stock Dominator duel three times, Indy once, and scored in the Ohio State Lottery. So what, you say? Well, it means he knows how to get to winner's circle, and he's lucky. Hunch players, here is your man. 20-1

Ok! That's all for the U.S. Nationals handicap sheet. If you made the list remember this deal is all in fun. If you didn't be grateful, but rest assured that just like Bob Fry we will get to you eventually. And remember kids please no wagering. - JB