Driver X’s Diary

10/7/04

Jeff Burk Photo

ecause I’ve been so busy this month with back-up girl duties, I’ve found it necessary to fall back on one of the most hallowed forms of journalism. The one endorsed by prominent newspapers throughout the country: yes, that’s right … stealing.

I snuck into the pit of a fuel Funny Car team and into the personal effects of a guy I’ll call Funny Car Driver X. I “borrowed” Driver X's diary and am now publishing an excerpt of it here for you … merely for the purpose of enlightening you as to the actual behind-the-scenes workings of a NHRA Funny Car team, mind you. Incriminating names have been removed to protect myself (and apologies to Bridget Jones and Helen Fielding).

Sunday

11:04 a.m. - Must wake up. Oh. It’s Sunday. Never mind.

3:32 p.m. - Wake up. Go to living room in favorite lucky fluffy bunny slippers. Decide to read National Dragster and count pictures of self in pages instead. Four. But don’t like that one top-end picture with messy hair. Must make appointment for new, less needy hairstyle. Also am not liking the shadow I’m seeing under my chin. Shadow? Or are they jowls? No, it’s a shadow. Definitely a shadow. Note to self: call Kenny for doctor’s name.

6:46 p.m. - Get call from (crew chief). (Crew chief) is not happy that car is overweight. Tells me I must lose 20 pounds by Thursday and must get reaction time to begin with a zero if I want a job next year or will have to get job driving Nostalgia Funny Car.  

Monday

8:04 a.m. - Woke up early for jog around block. When moving at anything more than stroll, felt jowls shadow jiggling beneath chin.

11:34 a.m. - Have been looking at reruns of NHRA today. Shadow not so apparent when standing next to Bob Frey for some reason. (Crew chief) calls to see why I wasn’t at sponsor meeting this morning. Remind (crew chief) that meeting is Tuesday. (Crew chief) informs me that today is Tuesday. Oops! Also mentions several drivers who are looking for a ride and that weigh less than 160 pounds. Really. Not just on their bios. Get off phone and am wishing that I was Kenny’s son. Bet he never gets told to lose weight and improve reaction time. In fact, I know he never even got hassled about crashing the car. But then remember that being BB means I’d have a dad who was always standing there looking over your shoulder and itchin’ to take the wheel. Not as ideal as I thought.

9:51 p.m. - Spent day using positive mental imagery to improve reaction time. Decide to re-focus myself and spend rest of evening signing autographed hero cards and answering fan mail.

9:56 p.m. - Whew! Done answering fan mail.

10:48 p.m. - Call Ron Capps. Big mistake. Must listen to him rattle on for 45 minutes on how many breasts he’s autographed this year. Must lie to him and give similar number and throw in a few derrieres for good measure. What is his mysterious power over women? Am afraid to ask for his secret as it may involve rituals with beheaded chickens. Will also mean that I must reveal the truth that I only get middle-aged men and Beavis and/or Butthead in my pit. Took out calculator and think he is counting Skoal Girls in his total or number is impossible. Now am wondering why our team doesn’t have similar. Note to self: Call sponsor and ask for Skoal-like Girls in adjacent pit.

11:46 p.m. - Call John Force who hangs up on me and tells me to call him when sober. Not sure if he meant him or me.