Wednesday

7:14 a.m. - Super Shuttle phones to tell me that ride is outside. Oops! Forgot that we leave for track this morning. Pack bag and barely make plane. Realize once we are taking off that I left firesuit in hall. Big oops!

9:49 a.m. - Arrive at airport. Call every driver in cell phone directory to find someone with extra firesuit. Have got promise from Angelle that I can borrow old Winston leathers. Am concerned that despite dieting, they will not fit. Why are there not more large men in drag racing? Ah! Forgot about Sportsman classes! Thank God those people eat.

11:13 a.m. - Arrive at track. Am annoyed that we are pitted next to Capps and he can smirk at me while he signs a hero card for another model. Toliver on other side is smoking those stinky cigars. Ugh! This is what I have to put up with and they wonder why I don’t have good lights. Ask Gino if I may change pit spots. Am told that my only other choice is next to Scelzi, which is fine but then when I’m pitted next to him I can’t stop thinking of that bass player in Spinal Tap and that is very distracting. Scelzi would be better than smelling cheap-o cigars but Tony Bartone would be on the other side and I always mess up and call him Tony Soprano. He gets annoyed. NG. Will stay between Mr. Stinky Cigar and Mr. Smarmy-Pants Chick Magnet.

12:22 p.m. - Am already bored. Have gone to buy Diet Cokes at the snack stand four times. Am looking through new National Dragster now. Only three photos of me. Disappointing. Am thinking of growing sideburns like the Dixon kid but am afraid they will cause people to mistake me for Fat Elvis.

3:04 p.m. - Spending afternoon in trailer sucking in stomach and practicing autograph to make it look more Funny Car hero-like.

Thursday

7:00 a.m. - Am up bright and early. Weigh in at 179! Whoo! Eat McDonald’s deluxe big breakfast to celebrate.

9:14 a.m. - (Clutch guy) arrives with my firesuit from two years ago. Had to go into an ESPN Sportzone and have them take it out of a display case.

9:21 a.m. - Did not know that display cases caused Nomex to shrink so drastically. Have box of safety pins and will be able to pin suit together.

9:52 a.m. - Stand out beside trailer waiting for autograph seekers while simultaneously trying not to look like standing out beside trailer waiting for autograph seekers. Not easy to do. Have read RFC flyer stuck on side of trailer 47 times already. And slowly.

10:01 a.m. - Decide that I would be more noticeable to autograph hounds if I move through the pits. Am thinking that they may be looking for me and not able to find me, so it’s better if I circulate more. Borrow scooter and some broken car part off the workbench to take with me so that I can look purposeful and important. Also look as if I work on car. Is this attractive to women? Am not sure.

10:27 a.m. - Even though wearing firesuit, had one woman come up and ask me where to buy Bob Gilbertson shirts. Am mystified as to who the hell Bob Gilbertson is? Am afraid that she was hypnotized by my PowerAde patch into thinking I was a track docent and/or welcome wagon.

10:29 a.m. - Ride by Capps’ pit. There is a line of women waiting outside and he is not even out there signing. I park scooter and throw part in trash. Start reading RFC flyer again.

11:15 a.m. - Go inside trailer to take nap. Having tough time falling asleep listening to Toliver babble on about cognac.