Madame Pamita Tells All

11/9/04

Jeff Burk Photo

Ahh …the end of the year is nigh; the last races are upon us and it’s the time of year that a drag racer’s obsessive thoughts turn away from their glacial reaction times and instead look toward what lies ahead. Of course, there’s the ever-popular “what should I wear to the awards banquet?” But, if you or your fave driver didn’t do so hot this year you might think beyond and wonder what’s up for 2005. A new sponsor with a compulsive part-shopping habit for your numero uno team? A change of crew chief to one who knows how to change out a spark plug? Revised NHRA rules requiring bikini-clad back-up girls?

To save you racers and fans all the suspense, nail-biting and the $300 it costs for a Top Eliminator Club ticket, I’ve decided to open up shop, dig out my crystal ball, “Ol’ Trusty,” and give you all a peek into the future of our favorite sport. Folks who are in-the-know have sent in their questions asking about what’s upcoming for the 2005 season and beyond. Far be it for me to keep all this incredible knowledge to myself. Madame Pamita knows all and tells all. Well … certainly, ya gotta admit I tell all.

Dear Madame Pamita, What is in my … I mean, Kenny Bernstein’s future for next year? Signed, I’m Not Kenny … Really!

Dear Not Kenny,

Madame Pamita must go into a trance…. Ahhhhh, much better. Now, I look into my crystal ball. The mists are clearing and yes, yes … I see Kenny … Oh! This is very exciting! He’s behind the wheel of a dragster again! Now I see him standing in the winner’s circle. There are some people around the him, giving him hugs ... hard to make out who they are ... Ah … Wait … This is strange. I see someone who looks like Cher! It is Cher! Is Cher married to him? No ... they don’t appear to be married. I can tell because he’s handing her his Wally now. Perhaps she is advising him on some level? Ah yes, now it all makes sense. It has all become clear. I can make out the lettering on the car … it says “The Kenny Bernstein ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’ Tour”. Yes, well, the picture is getting hazy now. That is all I can foresee.

Dear Madame Pamita, Who will be driving Gary Densham’s car next year? Yours truly, Looking for a Ride

Dear Looking,

Madame Pamita must concentrate and open herself up to the spirit world …let me look into the depths of the crystal ball to see what the future holds … ah yes, now I see John Force … he is in his shop … he is shaking hands with Gary Densham and waving goodbye as Gary walks away. Now he’s locking the door behind him … he’s closing the blinds … he’s walking over to Gary’s car and looking at the empty seat … Oh! He’s laughing and rubbing his hands together gleefully and looking around the room to make sure that it’s absolutely empty. Now, he’s pushing a bookcase aside to reveal a dimly-lit secret laboratory. He walks inside and finds Austin Coil … well, someone who looks like Austin Coil, except that he’s wearing a white lab coat, has a hunchback and is dragging a chain. How odd! Together they walk over to a gurney with a body on it covered in a sheet. Lightning flashes and Force rips back the sheet to reveal … another John Force! My God! They’ve cloned John Force to drive Densham’s car! Force and Coil laugh maniacally! Then they open three beers, give one to the other John Force and clink bottles. Ahh ... thankfully the spirits are drawing this horrible vision to a close.