All I Want for Christmas…

12/8/04

Jeff Burk Photo

Dear Santa,

Apart from the temper tantrums, swearing too much, drinking more than my fair share and baiting people on internet message boards, I have been a more or less not-so-terrible girl this year. So, in the spirit of grading on a curve, I’m hoping to see the following in my stocking (that would be the torn fishnet one slung across the mantle):

Better Announcers

Drag racing announcers suck. That hasn’t always been true; in fact there have been some great drag racing announcers… it’s just that all the ones who are still alive have been fired. So, for Christmas this year, I’d like Dave Wallace Jr. to be back in the Goodguys announcers’ booth. And that doesn’t mean get rid of John Drummond. Keep him in the booth too, please! I won’t even bother addressing the abysmal state of NHRA announcing. Let’s say that NHRA announcers make me glad that there’s not a heroin-and-shotgun booth at the drags or I’d be sorely tempted to pull what the kids like to call “a Kurt Cobain.”

And While We’re at It… Less Announcing

If there is anything more annoying than an oildown, it’s listening to an announcer during an oildown. Please, PLEASE, can we have some music…I’m not even going to push my luck and ask for good music. Okay, I will push my luck. Would there be anything cooler than hearing good ‘60s (and ‘70s) music at a Nostalgia drag race? Tell me something better than hearing “96 Tears” “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” and “Dirty Water” back-to-back while they’re mopping up the muck. Heck, if the music was good, the people wouldn’t want to leave the stands.

But I’m not even going to whine and beg about quality. No… any music at a drag race would be fine…even Muzak would be acceptable. Yes, I made my peace long ago with the instrumental version of “Do You Know the Way to San Jose.” Alright, okay, I’ll even take the announcers singing “Kumbaya” and shaking pennies in an empty soda can…just anything but the Charlie-Brown-teacher drone of an announcer prattling on for what seems like an endless eternity. Please, Santa... this one is important to me.

Sponsor-Free Zones

I want fines for drivers who mention their sponsors in top end interviews. You know, it takes a lot to make a girl not want to go shopping, but if there is anything that will curb my highly-evolved consumer instincts, it’s guys talking about their pimps, I mean, their sponsors. So please, more outspokenness and less sponsor-stroking.

Cuter Guy Drivers in the NHRA

I want more Larry Dixon Juniors and fewer Tommy Johnson Juniors. More Ron Capps (What’s the plural? Cappses? Cappsi?) and fewer Jerry Tolivers. Am I being too mean? Sorry…but if God meant for ugly guys to drive, he wouldn’t have invented the position of crew chief.

More Nostalgia Top Fuel Racing

I guess the key word here would be “racing.” A points chase in Nostalgia Top Fuel. Even some upsets. Unpredictability. I want 2005 to be the year when it’s anybody’s race. Ok, I’ll lay it out. At the 2005 Fuel and Gas Finals, I want the Birky Bunch to come outta nowhere and take home the N/TF Championship title!! I want Mark Malde to get up in front of that checkerboard backdrop, moon the crowd and Arnold Birky to shout, “Booyah!”