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Bring Back the List
And that unpredictability would, of course, necessitate
a revival of the Nitronic Research List. Okay… I’m
probably asking for too much here….
Less Praying, More Playing
You know, it’s great that people feel so happy about
Jesus and all, but praying over the PA before a race just
bugs me. Since when is drag racing anything but a bunch of
heathens messing around with nitro when they should be in
Sunday school? I mean, if there’s anybody that should
be worshipped at drag race, we ought to be prostrating ourselves
before a life-sized butter sculpture of Shirley Muldowney
or something. So Santa, I know it is within your power to
remind people to keep their religion between them and their
respective deity and let the rest of us get on with some
racing.
More Parties in the Pits
I want stupid, dumb drunken parties in the pits. I want
generators powering up bands on flatbeds, people crashing
their golf carts, and drivers puking their guts out the night
before eliminations. I want lampshade-on-the-head-type parties.
I want tiki parties and retro-‘70s parties and beatnik
parties. Yes, I don’t just want parties… I want
theme parties. And I want a different one in every pit!
And a Little Something Extra
Those overly-chipper, Up With People second-stringers called
Sports Magic – whatever it is that they’re giving
them before they come perkily down the return road, I’ll
have some of that too.
And a Win for my Husband
Can the Gaynor-Utterback combo win just once? I’m
not asking for the 2005 championship, although that would
be nice, but for him to get to the final (which he did at
half the Goodguys races he ran last year) and win for once
would be great! I’m tired of looking at those puny
little second place plaques and I’m tired of not having
a big old party in the pits at the end of the race and I’m
tired of hearing the “shoulda-woulda-couldas” around
my house…those are really getting old.
And Just for the Hell of It
I want to see Brendan Murry demonstrate that stripper pole
he has in the back of his trailer. I keep asking him at every
race and every race he turns me down, that little coquette!
And Just for the Hell of It (part Two)
I want to see Jeff Diehl’s wife’s stiletto heel
get stuck in the VHT when she’s backing up the car.
I don’t have anything against her or anything at all,
I just think it would be damn funny. And yes, I am that mean.
Okay, Santa, I know my list might seem to be on the long
and/or impossible side… but see, it wouldn’t
be just me you’re making happy. Think of all the people
whose hearts you’d fill with joy…. If only because
they won’t have to listen to me complain for a whole
year.
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