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NOSTALGIA DRAG RACERS BRING BACK THE GOOD
OLD DAYS OF RACING
Nostalgia Race teams are bringing back “dragsters”
and “funny cars” that recreate the good old days.
With genuine virtual reality odors of the now-illegal nitromethane
piped into the pits and an outdoor-like landscape that seems
almost real within the drag-o-dome, you’ll believe you’re
right back at the track in the year 2000! Real rubber tires
that actually touch the track and a Christmas tree made of
genuine incandescent lights add to the realism of the event.
And, for authenticity, each car will be slightly different
and appear to be “sponsored” instead of manufactured
by the NHRA.
Of course, the average speed of 400 mph is substantially
slower than current records, but for a taste of the heyday
of racing, there’s nothing like watching one of these
old cars make a pass. And speaking of “taste,”
remember nachos, hamburgers and hot dogs? The artificial meat-like
substances and fat-free cheese offered at the Nostalgia races
will give you the thrill of eating dragstrip food without
the risk of an expensive “fat citation”!
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WORLD’S
OLDEST BACK UP GIRL RETIRES
Pammy Utterback, the world’s oldest back-up “girl”
has suddenly announced her retirement after an almost tragic
fall at the 60’ mark last week.
“The walker,” she commented, “it was that
damn walker that was getting stuck in the VHT and I was having
a hard time seeing the guy at the water box. And the go-go
boots were killing my bunions. What were we just talking about?
Do I know you?”
CHRIS MARTIN NAMED NEW EDITOR OF
ND
In a move that might seem controversial to some, Chris Martin
has stepped down as CEO of the NHRA Corporation and taken
on the far-lesser role as editor of National Dragster. However,
the reality is far less titillating than the rumors that are
floating around.
“It was time for me to relax in my golden years,”
said Martin, “single-handedly running the NHRA and being
president of the United Blue States was too much for one person
to handle. Writing has always been a little hobby of mine
which I find infinitely soothing. So instead of stretching
myself too thin, I will devote myself to focusing solely on
the leadership of our nation and editing the most widely-read
publication in our great country.”
Assuming the role of NHRA Corp. CEO will be John Drummond,
current CEO of the Goodguys Incorporated. Plans for a friendly
merger between the two racing organizations are in the works.
Former ND Editor, Phil Burgess, is reportedly filling-in
for retiring back-up girl Pammy Utterback. No word yet on
whether the white go-go boots are his size. 
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