Editor's Note: DRO’s resident Gonzo Chris Martin is taking a small sabbatical from the drudgery of writing his monthly column. I received a collect call from him supposedly from a resort in Baja, Mexico. All I could hear in the background was men shouting what seemed sounded like military orders. Anyway, Martin asked that we wire him a three-month cash advance to the luxury hotel front desk in care of the firm of Eie, Bailem and Fixum. He told me he should be back in business in about 90 days, or just in time for the Pro Stock Super bowl at Las Vegas or the IHRA opener in Texas. In the meantime we are going to run a few of what I think were his best chronicles that have appeared here over the last seven years. We’ll start with the first Martin Chronicle from Volume 1, No. 1. Enjoy!

12/8/05
Originally ran 9/1999

Howdy!

Some of you might recall my mindless pratings in the pages of National DRAGSTER between the years of 1975 and 1998. This is written to inform those that haven’t totally written me off as a beer-addled slacker that I’m back in the saddle, a new saddle again. The Martin Chronicles will be this seasoned scribe’s bi-weekly observations on all things drag racing and other sundry topics. (I hope I said that right).

I decided that in my first effort that I would introduce myself to the reader.  The reason?  If you spend 20-plus years playing the house organ for some band (NHRA), your identity can sometimes get lost. I think at times at good old ND, my personality, such as it is, leaked out, but not enough to do a police artist’s composite sketch.

Rather than wear you out with a "I was born in 1947 to parents who headed a marauding gang of bankrobbers," type of narrative, I thought I’d let you form your own composite of the Chronicler.  Below are 25 statements or queries that came right off the top of my dying scalp. Twenty-five pronouncements that will help you find out where Waldo is, what kind of guy you are reading, what’s the face like behind this 12-point print. As you plod through this word search, let me give you three revelatory clues: 1.) Boredom makes me vomit; 2.) There is nothing at all wrong with controversy; 3.) I love kittens and puppies.

And here we are:

1) There are only two things (read: eliminators) that really give drag racing its identity and separate it from all other forms of sport—Top Fuel and Funny Car. Period.

2) While the Winston Showdown may have been a clusterflick, the fact that Funny Car boss John Force won over the fuelers was not lost on anyone.

3) You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to the do the 100-meter backstroke, you’ve really accomplished something.  Get the idea of what’s going on here. Bear with us, it gets worse.

4) Shirley Muldowney, love her or hate her, was the first woman in history to dominate men in a major-league sport. For this, she will go down as the sport’s most significant contribution to the world stage.

5) Any radio station with the word "rock" in its format description will always, at some point, say that it’s the only station that "really rocks." And 99 times out of 100, it’ll be wrong.

6) Most relationships are based primarily on looks and sex appeal and that’s why most of them take it in the throat.

7) What Jerry Lewis said about sex is true for bracket racing: "It’s okay to watch, but a helluva lot more fun to do."

8) If an extraterrestrial studied our 50 years of television, it would conclude that cops are the only people who have lives worth recording.

9) Mile per hour means more to Joe Average (newcoming fans) than elapsed time, so how do we capitalize on that AT(!) the races. Listening to the announcers you’d never believe that.

10) In any "democracy," there is something fundamentally immoral about paying some person millions of dollars to explain and defend your rights.