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11) Bob Saget, Pauly Shore, and Pat Sajak are not funny,
but Jackie Gleason, "Curly" Howard, and Jonathan
Winters are.
12) Westerns would not have had the success they did if John
Wayne and Roy Rogers had worn glasses (on screen). But if
they were dark glasses? Hmmm ... might’ve been a license
to print money.
13) Whether making a point or a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich,
people who making their living in drag racing should never
lose sight of the fact that they are members of an extremely
lucky and privileged minority. Most people hate their
jobs.
14) If cussing a blue streak was punishable by prison time,
the suicide rate would skyrocket.
15) Think you’re fair-minded? Try this. If it’s
okay to hold a "Read John 3:16" sign at a pro football
game, then what would be wrong or undemocratic with sitting
next to that guy with a sign that said "Don’t read
John 3:16."
16) Announcer Dave McClelland is one of the nicest guys in
the world, not to mention one of its better mikesters, but
someone needs to cork his writer in a bottle and throw him
out with the Japanese current. "We know you have other
places to spend your entertainment dollar," he says before
the races. No you don’t! If you like horsepower, noise,
power, and speed then a pro drag race is exactly where you
should be.
17) There are two political parties in the United States:
Republican and Republican Lite.
18) For better or for worse, in a large market area, more
people will log on to a site for XXX Adult Video Guides than
WWW/ShellOil.Com.
19) A $100 says bill that very few people will be able to
name more than one member of the victorious U.S. women’s
soccer team a year from now. Down on women’s sports?
Hell, no. But I am on big-time media manipulation.
20) What’s wrong with the people of North Fork, New
Mexico? Lucas McCain, known as "the Rifleman" to
his consorts, gunned down nearly 100 men in three years while
shacked up with his 11-year-old son in an old wooden lean-to
on the outskirts of town. Talk about a floorpunch to the gut
of Family Values!
21) Playing the Game Corporate doesn’t mean being humorless.
Naturally, there are mirthless slugs in the SurePal Forest,
but a lot of big wallets like watching the crack addicts dive
for coins in the mall fountain just like the rest of us.
23) Let’s all get down on our hands and knees and look
for the I.Q. of the guy who came up with the Sports Magic
half-time annoyance. Motorcycle jumps over porno starlets?
That’s closer.
24) Will John Force win Funny Car in 1999? Can the Florida
State Seminoles footballers spot the DeVry Institute a touchdown
and still choke a confession out of them?
25) Bill Clinton is the quintessential, opportunistic, low-life,
political bottomfeeder. Of course, name one of the previous
41 that wasn’t.
Ah, that one got through, didn’t it?
Okay, throw in the towel. Stop the fight, ref! Enough’s
enough. Got a rough sketch idea of what you’re dealing
with here?
Good. In the future, I hope to deliver the juice in this
column in a way best described by the immortal Boris the Sprinkler.
Allow me to give you a "positraction, vibro-action, high
consumer satisfaction, eon fluxion, noise reduction, thermo,
spermo, auto suction," view of le deporte’ du drag
racing. That’s just the kind of guy I am.
See ‘ya in a few weeks, and remember we don’t do
fiction here, pallie! 
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