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Chris Martin Chaws
on the Skoal Showdown
By Chris "Hype-no-graphics" Martin
Photos by Jeff Burk
8/31/04
[Ed.
Note: We apologize in advance for those of
you who may be offended or confused by this
article. After years of attending the Budweiser
Shootout and supporting the sponsoring company
almost single-handedly, Editor at Large Chris
Martin was thrown a curve when the sponsor
changed this year to Skoal. He tried some of
that product, and his brain chemistry was obviously
affected by the change. He will be his usual
self by the time the racing begins at IRP.]
“Take out the
papers and the trash
or you don’t get no spendin’ cash,
take
all that garbage out of sight
or you don’t
go out. . . .
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. – “SUNDAY AFTERNOON,
Sept. 5, 2004!”
As in the race date of the 23rd annual NHRA
Skoal Showdown run in conjunction with (what
else?) the NHRA U.S. Nationals at Indianapolis
Raceway Park smack dab in the middle of Clermont,
Indiana.
Yes, for the past year, NHRA pro Funny Car
racers have been battling it out with points
earned by national event Funny Car qualifying
position for on-track space in the eight-car
field. During the months bookended by the NHRA
Maple Grove shebang and the recent Memphis
Elvisceral, this competition has sorted out
the trash from the treasures and the garbaaahhhgg
from the greats, with the final goal being
the $100,000 posted by your spittoon specialists
at U.S. Tobacco via their Skoal brand
of chaw-ables, if not edibles.
(And hold it right there! Don’t go soap
opera soft on me. Oh, so we’re ‘trash’ and ‘garbage’,
huh? NO, no, no, NO! I just wanted to spice
this thing up a shade. Geez, can you imagine
how punch drunk you can get, writing the same
old hack copy over and over and over
again?
Well, do ‘ya? Why do you think I’d
start this opus by quoting Jerry Lieber and
Mike Stoller? Stay with me now, it gets worse.)
Veteran race fans no doubt notice that for
the first time since drag racing’s original
race within a race began, Labor Day Weekend
1982, Budweiser will not be hosting the event.
No, the Clydesdales have not been pressed into
stud service at Calumet Farms at the last minute.
Instead, word has leaked out to Drag Racing
Online that the beer barrel polecats still
are producing the annual Budweiser Top Fuel
Shootout at the NHRA Finals in Pomona and that,
coupled with the Funny Car shootout, has been
producing adrenaline OD’s that have been
driving through the clutches of pacemakers
in the sports marketing department in St. Louis,
MO.
Not to worry, though, as the Skoalmeisters
generosity has produced what should be a very
large noise come Indy weekend.
Ironically, sadly, or just plain “dammit,” the
hosts have been shut out of the actual racing
field. Ronnie Capps and Tommy Johnson Jr.,
drivers of Don Prudhomme’s Skoal Funny
Cars, will be doing a Little Anthony & the
Imperials number Sept. 5 as they will be (Altogether
now!) “On the Outside Looking In.” Why?
In three words, “Points,” “Enough,” and “Not.”
However, there obviously were eight who did
dust up enough markers. Here’s how they
pair up for the opening stanza:
Numero uno John Force’s Castrol GTX
Ford Mustang will square off with Phil Burkart
in the eighth-qualified Checker/Schuck’s/Kragen
(or the painfully hip CSK) Chevy Monte Carlo.
“The Teach,” Gary Densham’s
Auto Club Mustang, the second qualifier, will
go mano a mano with yet another CSK Monte Carlogambino,
Del Worsham, who popped up No. 7 on the Skoal
qualifying list.
Whit Bazemore hopes the day pays more in the
third-qualified Lee Beard-ed Matco Tools Dodge
Stratus, which draws No. 6 qualifier Tim Wilkerson
in the Levi-Ray-Shoup Monte Carlo Mandolini.
And finally, defending race champ Tony Pedregon
in his fourth-seeded Quaker State Monte Carlo
locks noses with one of the hardest working
men in show business, Mr. Gary Scelzi in the
Oakley Dodge Stratus.
Sounds like a good way to spend an afternoon.
Certainly seems on a par with watching the
sailboats submerge into the distance at the
Eagle Reservoir.
Photo Art by Matt Schramel
Predictions? A lot of up-in-smoke runs, three
pairs at the bare minimum, with Force outrunning,
oh. . .let’s say. . .Del Worsham in the
final.
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